so much things to say.

the united states has elected its 44th president; the first black president. wow. i’m feeling quite amazed by the fact. i have always doubted the united states’ potential in the way of destroying systematic isms and phobias that loomed like specters over the very existences of its citizens. even now, it may seem that the united states will not ever move beyond the constrictions of the isms which it so clearly runs on. the glass ceilings exist at different levels in various facets of life for people who live in the united states and are oft-accepted as the norm by those who dare not even tap, let alone try to break them.

i have always lived with limitations on the possibilities of black folks.

in my lifetime, the legal measures that have hindered black people have not always been as plain as jim crow-era laws. instead, they impact black folks disproportionately (e.g. minimum crack possession laws vs. minimum coke possession laws) and don’t get the same attention as police brutality cases, mistreatment in retail stores or discrimination regarding housing or jobs. socially, as i am certain we are all aware, the limitations placed on black people are numerous and have shown themselves in all possible arenas. i’m not alone when i say that i’ve been discriminated against for being black and/ or for being a woman. that is not to say that white people are sole owners of discrimination against other groups, as discrimination is a symptom of the root illness of binary thinking. the “us vs. them” paradigm is inescapable in this society. we see it in everything from sporting rivalries to our very own neighbors who may be the same race, but from a different nation (black americans vs. caribbean black folks vs. continental african black folks). the election of barack obama suggests, at the very least, that american voters have moved past the politics of exclusion when it comes to whether or not a black man could be elected to the office of commander-in-chief.

but, along with this major shift came the removal of and encroachment upon the rights of others. in california, florida, arkansas, and arizona, voters (who may or may not have come out to support barack obama) decided that openly gay people in their states should not have the same rights as persons who are or perceived as heterosexual. voters in california, via prop 8 (aka prop hate) repealed the law allowing same-sex couples to be married & receive all rights afforded to opposite-sex married couples. this was not a denial of rights, but a removal altogether. in arkansas, a ballot measure was passed preventing unmarried cohabiting couples (both opposite-sex and same-sex) from adopting children or caring for foster children. the florida marriage amendment defines marriage specifically as a union between a man and a woman, stating that no other unions would be recognized as valid by the state. arizona voters also passed a similar amendment to the state constitution, called the marriage protection amendment.

the fact that any voter feels that she or he possesses the right to restrict the rights of other fully-functioning adult members of society makes me sick to my stomach. barring legitimate threats to the public safety (e.g. those who traffic humans, persons who are physically violent within their communities), none of us has the right to go push a button or pull a lever (or check off a freaking box on a piece of paper) to limit the freedoms of others. these measures are plainly set forth to target the rights of same-sex people. i could blame right-wing evangelical socially conservative christians, i could blame the fact that the amount of money spent to campaign for the passing of these measures far surpasses the amount of money available to the opposition (specifically in the case of prop hate). but, there’s no one cause. simply, those who voted in favor of these amendments felt that it is their right to limit other autonomous, contributing members of society.

i do not understand what the problem is with same-sex couples marrying or caring for children. i presume that it’s because i never understood any arguments against being homosexual, least of all those attached to religious dogma. i don’t believe that homosexuality is going to destroy humanity (either by lack of procreation or general ‘moral corruptness’). i don’t believe that it’s wrong to love, or be attracted to someone of the same sex any more than i could ever say it’s wrong to be attracted to someone who is not of the same racial makeup as you. long before i was aware of my own queerness, i always questioned how any hetero-identifying person could ever legitimately have a problem with gay people. how could it be anyone else’s business what you do as a private citizen in your own home?

if christianity is one’s basis for discriminating against gay people (and it is discrimination, don’t get it twisted), i have to ask how that’s a legitimate basis. i don’t question the bible verses referenced in any argument against homosexuality; i question the whole book for reasons that can be discussed later. i question how it’s anyone’s christian duty to be less concerned with their own goodness as a person of faith than they are with whether or not their neighbor is gay. i question how it’s christ-like to disrespect the law of the land by seeking to overturn a law that does not even apply to you; i was always taught that the christian thing to do is to respect the law of the land. i question some of the assertions made: that gay marriage would be taught in schools as normal, that children would be “indoctrinated” in homosexuality, & the outright lie that the obama-biden ticket has ever supported gay marriage. what’s christian about making stuff up to win people over to your side? i need to know, most importantly, how one can justify the use of their faith practice as a reason to oppress others. for the people who are anti-racism and are christian: the bible was used to justify chattel slavery of africans in the americas as well as miscegenation laws (see: loving v. virginia). i do not believe that christianity automatically lends itself to oppression. i believe, instead, that some people will pull out all stops and use anything as a tool of persuasion.

i want to know: at what point do you simply understand all other humans to be worthy of the same respect you wish to have? from the teachings on christ i received as a child, the thing that stuck to me was not the miracles he worked, not the quotes that my christian day school classmates regurgitated constantly, but it was the idea that you are supposed to act lovingly towards others. it said nowhere in the bible that you had to be loving to your neighbors only, or only to people who share the same exact values as you. if this were the case (with any faith, not just christianity), i don’t think that there would exist charity without verification of the recipients’ worldviews. love is limitless, isn’t it?

so, i must ask this: if you are willing to limit any of god’s children, are you not limiting yourself?

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departures are inevitable.

human beings transition constantly. we cannot stop folks from being born or dying. we cannot do anything about the loss of connections between ppl. this means that when that marriage unravels, whether it’s yours or not, it has to be allowed to do so. when your dearest, oldest friend on earth becomes someone you no longer recognize, leave it at that. your hands have to be open so you can receive the something new/ better / different. dissolution is natural. it happens.
& sometimes, through this dissolution, we find things we may have forgotten. there’s a way in which we strip down. we lose the attitude, the posturing, the girdles & whale bone corsets; we go back to ourselves at age 3, peeing the bed & wondering why the fuck there’s nobody who’ll stop the night from swallowing us up. it’s hard. it can be ugly, unpleasant, unkind, & all these other crazy things. not because there’s anything wrong w/ us, but because that’s what it takes sometimes. go back to the point at which you started to crack a little bit. see what the unraveling is really all about. what were the million straws under the one that broke your back? or was the first one the most impactful?

i don’t know. it’s taken me three days to write this. i started off writing inspired by jill scott’s new album (which, for the record, i find nearly impossible to listen to) & some things that friends have been sharing w/ me about their lives. everyone seems to be going through some exceptionally rough shit at the moment. i feel bad, but at the same time i feel unmoved on some level. not unsympathetic, but . . . unmoved. i don’t believe that any one of us is gonna be stuck in our current situations. i may be idealistic, maybe naive or whatever. but i know i’m not going through this bullshit for nothing. i feel like it’s easier to assume that i’ll be stuck in this fucked up job for the rest of my adult life, because hopefulness takes effort. it takes energy to make sure i see the whole picture, to ensure that i’m aware of the finiteness (i can’t believe that’s actually a word lmao) of my situation. i have options to way, moves to make. i am not stuck. i am not gonna be here, this way, forever.

change is inevitable. transition is the norm.
i just have to be a part of it. for real.

vamp.

i’ve never been one to do a lot of red. i always thought big girls ought not rock colors that bright; i always used to want to be left alone, to my own devices & business without drawing attn to myself. i already stood out physically. why add to it?
then one day when i was in high school my grandmother, mother & i were in the jc penney outlet. & there was this shirt i wanted. i loved it. i wanted it in navy, but it only came in red. with simple white piping around the collar. my concession, since momzie & mommy thought it looked so nice was, well, to get it in a 3x (just for the record, no part of my body has ever been a 3x ANYTHING, even at my heaviest). so i had this tent-like shirt. it was part of my “going away to college” arsenal. so, i only wore it when everything else was dirty. because it was red. & my simple ass didn’t realize that more fabric = bigger clothing = more attention.

as i’ve aged, i have more or less stayed away from brights. red, green . . . as accent colors only. i have print clothing that tends to be on the docile side (w/ the exception of a cocktail dress here & there). . . & the only bright i ever really stuck with was bright pink.

then i found out that i’m omo sango. his colors are red + white. when olaomi told me that i was like “dangit. that means i’ma HAVE to wear red at some point or another. i don’t do red.” i kinda panicked. red hair is one thing (auburn is my summer color of choice), but red clothing? eh . . .

but i’m getting better. tryna grow into who i am. baba’s got me. yeye & my ancestors have got me. most importantly, my ori is doin its thing. i even own a red dress(!!!)

at 26, my first red manicure. hmm. i kinda like it.

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this shit here is ridiculous.

thanks dennis for sharing this movie review with me. it’s happy feet, not the passion of the christ or something. sheesh. i get worried when ppl pick on childrens’ films like that.

i’ll be back to discuss this after work.

i didn’t go.

the mishap w/ my keys evolved into something else. i need a new door knob.

but all that led me to thinking about a shitload of other stuff. i had something resembling a panic attack.

it’s making me feel really embarrassed & i almost hate to say it

but i miss my mom
i want someone else to pay these bills/ take the reigns, just for a month so i can catch my breath
i knew it wouldn’t be easy but why is it so hard to get out of bed every single fucking day?
why don’t i smile at ppl on the street anymore? how is it that i hate talking to ppl i love?
i don’t like this. i don’t have to be in control but i don’t feel like i’m in control of myself, not even a teeny tiny bit.

i need to pray more
i need to fast more
i need to love more
but i don’t even know how to do any of that when i want to cover every mirror in my apartment, put black fabric up at my windows, and drink myself to sleep some nights.

then other days i feel like i can beat anything & anyone

& all it’s taken lately to take me away from that train of thought is one stupid thing
something someone says
a recollection of something/ one that i’d rather not be connected to

& here i go again
mad at everyone
escaping to books/ internet/ music/ movies/ tv

& it’s like who IS this bitch? this simple, angry, bitter, tired ass woman who doesn’t even wanna wrangle her mangy eyebrows or put together something nice to wear to work. i don’t even know where it all came from. maybe when i moved the first time last year
maybe after labor day wknd, w/ the facial contusion & all that shit
i don’t fucking know

. . .
but i feel like there’s not enough sympathy, empathy, kindness, love, or anything else to reach me.

i gotta lay this one in the lap of the goddess. ain’t shit else i can do.

release is so key.

i’m tired of looking around me and seeing ppl who’re eaten up by their very strong desire to be creative. they want to be better ppl through their art but deny it all day every day. so then you have these attitudinal motherfuckers who hate you because of the dumbest shit . . . all because nobody ever showed them where to draw if not on the walls in the family room. that’s some bullshit.

you know what?

i want everyone over age 25 to go get some finger paints or shrinky dinks or a coloring book & the big crayola 64 pack . . . & get down to it. make a mess without worrying about what the next moment will bring. make a collage. strip and stain some furniture. make a snowflake. do something.

satiate that inner child’s desire

& see if you don’t get better at every fucking thing else.