to no one in particular:

(from my tumblr)

fear is what keeps your reflexes razor-sharp when there’s danger about. in case of fire, alligator, beehive attack, or hailstorm, you need fear. it’ll kinda clear your mind of the bullshit that doesn’t count.

fear is not for everyday stuff like going to the grocery store, calling your bank, smiling at someone you think is attractive, or even getting out of bed to go shower.

if you’re paralyzed by fears that you recognize as abnormal compared to your usual stuff-to-be-afraid-of (stingray fear is not the same as fear of answering the door for the UPS guy), please reach out & get yourself some support. talk to someone you trust. talk to someone who works in a supportive capacity for folks who need to be directed towards help. please, please, please, PLEASE do not let it swallow you up.

this has been yet another “i’ve been there, please don’t do it to yourself” production.

peace to the brokenhearted.

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fronting: an undoing.

peeling off, peeling out, laying the dumb shit to the side.
seeing myself, wholly, in bright light
not allowing myself to be lost in the crevices between what he says, what she says
slipping through cracks that seem more like caverns
i am no longer willing to be held hostage by image or ego, whether mine or someone else’s
coming undone has never been so dope, and i love how it feels
i have started to embrace la loba within.
and for the first time, in a long time, i don’t feel the overwhelming urge to tattoo or pierce, to cut my hair or get my eyebrows waxed.
i’m fine how i am, where i am
because i’m meant to just do what i do
there’s nothing to stop me
no one to slow me down

the only one in the way of this is me. and i’ve decided to move on over.

knowledge of self: a stream of consciousness.

understand me when i say i’ve had a breakthrough. about who i am, about where i am, about where i’m headed, and who i’m stepping into being.  i don’t worry so much anymore, because i’ve never been this certain. i’ve never been this self-possessed.  i’ve never, in my life, been more aware of one simple fact: i’m the truth. i am the best thing that ever happened to me.  i have figured it all out: i am equipped with every tool i need to get to the next place, to do the next thing, to take the best care of myself and all of my needs.  when i really listen to myself and trust my own intuition, i am unstoppable.
i am bigger, better, stronger, and flyer than anyone’s imagination — my own included.  i will not be stopped by anyone else’s fear or jealousy of me.
i am a walking miracle. my very existence on this earth is the product of praying grandmothers & my own resilience.  i will not lose. ever.
i am the first born daughter.
the mark i make on this earth will be indelible.

year-end random stuff:

didn’t have any mind blowing sex in 2008. that trend will not follow me into 2009.

made some power moves to reclaim my body. gonna keep at it.

got a nose piercing & love it. one time for body adornment!

remembering that sometimes you have to let ppl think they’re the bigger btwn you two, just to save your sanity.

realizing (again) that silence is no safer than speaking up in most situations.

lost a wallet (don’t i do that every year?)

got a new apartment

almost cursed my mom out for being ignorant, which felt great (i turned it into a no-cuss-word explanation in a calm tone)

made some wonderful new friends

got hooked on twitter

fell all the way in love w/ peach bacardi

stopped believing in the myth of “he’ll catch up to me”

learned that womanism can involve heterosexual men of color

realized that i’m a damn good dancer

took some artfully smutty pics of myself & loved them

took some regularly smutty pics of myself & loved (and shared!) them

accumulated some crushes

had a dream interaction w/ someone very special & gave thanks for it

came to the conclusion that the holiday season is, for me, better suited for reflection & remembrance

vowed to put the activity back into my activism

& most importantly

made a lot of good sangria.

here’s to next year.