triggered. like a motherfucker.

my identity as a queer woman is hard-won.  through years of vascillation, denial, secrecy, and srategic planning dedicated to hiding myself from myself i am now working at being authentically myself. and a big part of that is being forthright with any potential lovers about my sexuality.  there is no introduction that goes, “i’m sparkle, and i’m bisexual”.  but there’s also no soap opera (or jenny jones) moment when i spring it on futureboo or presentboo in a space that she or he might find uncomfortable.  because that’s not how you treat folks.  my honesty has most likely cost me a relationship or three.  and i’m okay with that.  nobody wants to be in a relationship where they feel stifled instead of feeling edified.  so, it is with that knowledge i walk.  it’s not an easy walk: there are folks who don’t recognize my sexuality as legitimate compared to their own, there are folks who presume that i’m unaware of what i want in life (or in my bed), and there are also folks who believe that my queerness makes me impossible of being monogamous.

it is this completely erroneous belief/ assumption that makes me impossibly pissed off.  and it is this idea that made me want to write this blog post, because of a song called “think my girl (ay, ay)” by omarion.  this song gives what might be considered an inside view of a relationship between the narrator (whom i presume to be a hetero-identified person whose sex assignment at birth was male, who identifies as male/ man) and his girlfriend, whose behavior implies that she may be cheating on him with a female associate of hers.  this woman does not answer her phone when she’s with this friend, referred to as “the girl that doesn’t have a man” in the lyrics to the first verse. (you can listen for yourselves here, dear readers; i refuse to transcribe this shit.)  the hook of this song goes on to express that though the girlfriend is very physically affectionate with the narrator her behavior changes when around this friend of hers, has a better eye for attractive women than her paramour, and also presumes that the narrator is welcome in the bedroom with the girlfriend and whomever she’s cheating on him with.  the second verse includes some information about the narrator’s girlfriend and her friend having matching tattoos, and some “secret conversations” between the two women.

what bothers and upsets me is the fact that this song is a bunch of stereotypes and assumptions wrapped into one neat little sonic package.  this song is a symptom of the problem — it’s giving me hives when goddess knows i am allergic to bullshit.  this song neatly lists (for me, anyway) what seem to be the predominant, erroneous, widely held beliefs about bisexual women.

i have to acknowledge that  heterosexual privilege allows this song to exist.  heterosexual privilege allows the demonization of anyone who does not exemplify compulsory heterosexuality.

the narrator’s girlfriend is acting suspiciously (in his opinion, or per his explanation as narrator).  since there’s another woman involved in this (as either a friend or lover, possibly both), it’s implied that the girlfriend’s behavior can be attributed specifically to a sexual relationship with this other woman. so, this makes her hot-in-the-ass and unfaithful.  this also demonizes the presumed other woman; she’s got some kind of a stranglehold on the girlfriend’s mind, via sex. there’s no suggestion that the girlfriend is keeping company with this woman who “doesn’t have a man” because she’s sick. or because she’s got kids she needs help with. or an ailing relative. or something that is not about sex.  (could it be that only women sing/ write songs that discuss concern for other women? see: eve’s “love is blind”, destiny’s child’s “girl”, or the jazzyfatnastees’ “how sad”. i don’t think that this is the case, but i’m just asking.) let’s examine this: not answering the phone within an hour (verse 1), a friend with no man who’s often around (probably cuz she hasn’t got a man to keep her company), a knack for identifying a beautiful woman before her man does, and limited PDA when said manless friend is around — she’s just got to be cheating with this manless friend!  am i the only one who thinks this is rather base?  furthermore, bisexuality does not exclude any human being (male or female, cisgender or transgender) from monogamy! emotional immaturity may exclude one from being faithful to their partner.  (polyamory is not a condition of being bisexual, either. but let’s not talk about that right now.)

the idea that the narrator should try having an openly bisexual girlfriend implies that she’s open to having a threesome, which is also not a fact of bisexuality.  there are some bisexual folks who are not in any way interested in group sex.  this is also incredibly troublesome, as it feeds into the idea that the hetero man’s job is to conquer vaginae far and wide, that the sexuality is not valid if he’s not (a) involved or (b) giving approval to the sexual relationship.  hello: i’m autonomy, and i believe that i only need the person who utilizes me in order to be valid or legitimate. your dick hasn’t got anything to do with it, narrator (or anyone else).  that’s hetero privilege for you: you can do what you want, cuz there’s nothing “wrong” with the kind of sex you’re into.

bottom line, this song is offensive for a number of reasons.  ultimately, it turns a woman’s body into product, into object, into a commodity to be fetishized.  it takes away her humanity and reduces her autonomy to a jezebel’s supposed nature.  and no,  a pop song should not have the final say on how we as a larger society view sexuality. but, art often imitates life.  somebody, somewhere may think of this song and either identify with it on some level or forming opinions based on it.

of course, there are ideas that aren’t addressed in the lyrics of  “think my girl (ay, ay)”.  there’s nothing quite like the limited attitudes of some folks in the GLBTQ community to make a woman like myself feel even more boxed in.  there’s the idea that we are nasty, the flat-out lie that we are incapable of loving one person at a time, and most of all there’s the simple misconception that we are who we are because we’re hot in the ass.  not all of us are.  there are polyamorous heterosexual and homosexual people.  there are people who sabotage relationships by cheating, but that has nothing to do with their sexuality.  that’s an issue of emotional maturity, in my opinion.

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my slap a motherfucker button is being pressed.

hard. because of this.

“i’m afraid if he wins, the blacks will take over.”
really?
word?

you think “we” (like every black person is secretly united against your white asses and anyone who could possibly undermine our goals of world domination via newports and malt liquor) are waiting with baited breath for obama to win so we can come out in droves to destroy your pure christian nation of amber waves of grain and virgins? like, the second the inauguration ceremony ends, this man decides to paint the white house black for real? is he gonna pass a mandate that the new endangered species is listed as the educated black man? the fbi’s ten most wanted list is changed to list folks who owe barack and/ or michele obama over 500 USD? are the darkies gonna take to the streets in celebratory dance like the big liberation scene in the wiz? oh, waaaaaaaaaaaiiiit. i know now: the bald eagles will all be caught and deep-fried like so many thanksgiving turkeys, then served on the lawn of the white house on paper plates w/ ronald reagan’s coffin as a table. it’ll be the takeover dinner.

“the blacks” are as varied in opinion as “the whites,” “the latinos,” and every other group in american society. some of us are for him. some of us are against him. others are undecided or not voting for either of the big-party candidates. ridiculous. dry that shit up. secondly, a good number of “us” are not thinking about you in middle america. we, like you, have normal and everyday concerns: bills, food, family, jobs, etc. i hate to even discuss my similarities to such simpletons, but we’re all having very human experiences right now. nobody has any fucking money. you’re worried about ppl who look like me taking over this country? booboo kitty, people who look like you have not been doing a bang-up job, i don’t know if you’ve noticed. the system doesn’t effing work — who gives a hot wet fuck what color the top dog is or isn’t? would the sheer pride of seeing “one of us” in the white house automatically mobilize ppl who identify as black in such a way that we decided to just magically pull it all together and start . . . doing what?
what does ‘taking over’ even entail?
exactly.
simple asses.

and i won’t address the “muslim thing.”
i refuse to discuss what seems to be the prevailing anti-obama (or decidedly anti-democrat, possibly even anti-black) song & dance: these niggers got student loans and took too long paying them back! um, i’m sorry — i had one loan and that was because i quit school after a year and a half. do you know how long it took me to pay it off? about 3 years, and i didn’t even go to the ever-expensive harvard or yale. this is so dumb. are those who criticize michelle and/ or barack obama aware that the FAFSA is for everyone? are they aware that havard’s law school site itself discusses the extension of loan repayment for graduates who do not go into six-figure jobs straightaway? come on. this is just plain ridiculous.

i won’t dedicate much more time to this, as i need to go to bed.

but i genuinely do hope that the scales begin to fall from folks’ eyes. if not immediately or in time for election day, then soon enough that they are able to save themselves from the madness that has engulfed this land.

but what do i know?
i’m just polishing my illegally obtained gun so i can “take over” on inauguration day.

i don’t do

special needs men.

that is, if you’re beyond the regular kind of crazy
if you’re slow to the point where context clues don’t help you figure out wtf i’m talking about
if you can’t imagine your life without fast food and/ or have a dependency on sugar
if you’re afraid to admit not knowing something
if you’re afraid to learn something
if you aren’t trying to improve your life beyond material assets
if you can’t fathom ever vacationing or moving away from the place where you live right now
if your idea of appropriate foodstuffs for a child includes soda or grape drink
if you think cable is a necessity
if you don’t know that the first CDs were certificates of deposit, not compact discs
if you think it’s abnormal to believe in someone not named jesus, allah, yaweh, jehovah, or god
if you have being rich confused with being wealthy
if you’re impressed by kanye but have no idea who j. dilla was/ is
if you think i’m tryna be someone other than myself because i aspire to be multilingual
if you think being on welfare is a permanent condition, and not a tool to improve the quality of one’s life
if you think r. kelly is good for anything other than shaking your head or being disappointed
if you have a tattoo on your neck, face, outer wrist, either hand, behind your ear, or on your forearm(s) and you do not have the skills to earn a decent living outside of a crappy, low-paying job
if you believe that it’s okay to have sex without protection and you believe children are merely a consequence of getting your dick wet
if your idea of a suitable marriage proposal is tied to the lyrics of jagged edge’s “let’s get married”
if you grew up in the suburbs but aspire to be “hood”
if you love city of god because it gave you ideas on how to be a bad dude
. . .

if any of the above characteristics applies to you, i qualify you as special needs.
and i especially need for you to stay away from me
cuz i can’t do it. your healing isn’t my job. i’m trying hard as shit to fix me.

thanks.

a bonus blog for today:

in the great tradition of my sexual caveat post from summer 2007, i am sharing w/ you something i swiped from my girl oyin’s blog (it’s private, so i can’t link it). it’s funny because it’s true. ;)

if your grasp of the english language is rudimentary

(and if you don’t know what rudimentary is and can’t figure it out with the context clues…this prolly means you)

do not attempt to write erotic poetry

it is simply a poor choice

go with where your talents are…

impress her by adding up the tip in your head

build something

burn her a cd

do an interpretative dance

because a line like “i want to kiss in between your pelvic…”

or “i want to make love to your inner loins…”

*shaking my head*

these things will be shared with homegirls

and they will find their way into random blogs

don’t let it be you, hear?

don’t let it be you…

out of pocket in atlanta: shawntae harris.

hitting people upside the head with bottles of rum? really?

the most organized thoughts i could immediately muster about such a report are best reflected by miss jalylah burrell in this post on she real cool (i still wish i’d been clever enough to conceive of such a blog title, even after 2 years of reading). a quote:

Simplemindeness leads too many to believe that certain bodies are immune from perpetuating isms. People of Color, Women and/or LGBTQ’s identities do not endow them with progressiveness and sometime they can be as vigilant as the mainstream in instilling perpetuating and maintaining the strictures that incongruously tightly circumscribe their lives.

by virtue of that same simplemindedness (as it belongs to others, not so much this writer), i think she makes black lesbians look bad. if you’re the only reference point that some folks have for an entire group of people, you are an ambassador, whether your ass wishes to be or not. people are stupid. just like being the only black person around will get you some bullshit in all-white “liberal” or “inquisitive”circles, being the only lesbian (particularly around some strongly heterosexist, queerphobic black folks) will get you some bullshit. there’s a culture of exclusion among black folk as is, incidents like this (whether largely publicized or not) seem to be the carte blanche that these closed-minded folks need in order to justify hate. the same way black men in hoodies, timbs, the “wrong” sneakers/ jeans combo, etc. aren’t allowed into certain night spots because of what someone “dressed similarly” may or may not have fucking done in that same night spot or a different one. i’m not justifying acts of exclusion, but i definitely see that side of those behaviors. if you’re an inside-the-box thinker, what else are you gonna think? “she’s a lesbian, she’s black, she’s kinda butchy so i guess i can expect that from kinda butchy black lesbians.” thinking in a line is dangerous. even when the linear thinking is based on lies & exaggerations. call me crazy, but that’s just what i think. people are that dumb, unfortunately. sometimes, we give others ammunition through our convoluted, negative behaviors. i don’t feel like it’s okay to assume that one person should represent all folks who can be classified in that group (at the same time, i’m not terribly keen on identity politics & classifying folks in the first place) . . . but i guess my disturbance is that behavior like this certainly doesn’t help anyone who struggles for the rights of a group — black folks, women, the LBGTQ community, poor folks, etc.

doesn’t she have any kind of fucking home training? you just hit motherfuckers in the head with bottles of booze (that i presume she paid for, cuz who the fuck is giving her irrelevant-to-current-music ass any freebies?) when you have a problem with them? from what i read in jalylah’s blog, & other random bits of celebrity gossip/ news i’ve heard she’s got some stunted social growth/ anger management/ alcohol consumption issues. to paraphrase katt williams, if folks say the same exact shit about you for 20 years, it’s true. that is, her behavior from what i’ve observed/ heard is congruent w/ someone who has some issues they need to work out. homegirl needs to put the bottle down for more reason than one, i’m willing to bet. no matter what someone says or does to you (short of threatening your life with action or words), you as a grown ass person probably need to learn to walk away. & you definitely don’t come at them after the fact to assault them. fuck that. unfortunately, it’s not even really about home training. she might not have ever adhered to anything her caregiver(s) ever taught her. sad, but true.

maybe i hold women to a higher standard. maybe i hold black folks to a higher standard, & therefore lean on black women extra hard. but ultimately, this incident is so telling! it says so much about the way we internalize the colonization of ourselves & our ancestors. if she makes you mad, hit her. if she rebuffs your advances, she’s a worthless/ good-for-nothing/ funny looking/ tacky whore/ bitch/ skag/ heifer/ ho . . . & if she dare speak back, show her who’s boss. this is something i’ve seen from butch lesbians as much as i’ve seen it from hetero-identifying men. i don’t give a fuck, anyone who feeds into the gender constructs (regardless of biological sex) is susceptible to the comfort of what being a man or woman will get you in this society. maybe that doesn’t make sense . . . what i’m speaking on is what i’ve observed with my own eyes, what i’ve felt in my heart of hearts. there are women running around here thinking they can play the part better than a bio male can within the same social constructs, & that is dangerous. not because i believe gender roles are static, but because in this place we call america those gender roles are rife with oppression. because they are misleading & create a space wherein domestic abuse is okay, wherein it’s okay to dominate your partner simply because it’s what’s “supposed to happen.” carrying around & perpetuating the fucked up attitudes/ behaviors that you’ve been exposed to isn’t suddenly made okay if you’re not in a heterosexual romantic relationship. sorry. essentially, mistreatment of another human being is supposed to be wrong all of the time.
*sigh*
i lost my train of thought. but i think that’s enough for now.

i’m expecting someone who doesn’t respect my stance to come attack me in the comments box . . . because i’m supposed to forgive her class status (before becoming a wealthy/ famous rapper), blame hip hop for her acting like that, & give her a pass because i’m a queer black woman myself.

right.

hold the motherfuckin phone! (part 2)

now, i love me some amy winehouse. i do. both of her albums are in constant rotation w/ me — work, home, it doesn’t matter. i love her music. it was such a real treat to see her at the black lily concert (even though ?uestlove screwed the song up — don’t ask me how i know that; i have sources), & if i’m on a youtube kick, i’m likely to look up her videos.

but this makes me sad.

*sigh* i hate to see ppl doing this kind of shit to themselves. i mean, she told perez hilton a different story than what’s largely being reported, & if it’s true, then fine. but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be treating herself better, if possible. if homegirl’s cutting herself, that means something’s bothering her. she cancelled the north american tour, so i hope she really takes the time to get shit sorted out. one can only hope, right?

she reminds me so much of this girl i went to high school with…

i don’t know why

but every day it’s getting harder to fight the bile i feel building up inside me regarding the vast majority of bullshit i’m exposed to daily.
i can’t change septa’s ridership, what they read or listen to, or what they eat.
but i rally as much as possible against the madness at my job. every time someone says something ignorant, i have to brace myself & then correct them
whether they’re fucking up someone’s name (major pet peeve of mine) or making a rude statement about someone’s name (ie the dude named olayemi who goes by ‘ben’ b/c his middle name, benedict, is easier for crass english speakers who also happen to be lazy, or the stankness associated w/ addressing one of the indian women who’re administrators), i’m willing at least 7 out of 10 times to dig in someone’s ass.

i know, that seems kinda futile considering where i work & the adherence of my colleagues to overall assholish behaviours. but i can’t help it.
it’s tiring as hell, i will say that much.

i don’t even know if i sleep better at night knowing i’m a good fight fanatic.

*shrug*

guess i’ll find out if i make some sort of impact on those folks.

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