couldn’t have said it better myself!

my big sister omi just laid it allllllll the way out in this blog post.  (i’ve italicized it for clarity between it and my own words.)

12.12.2009
an exercise in restraint
i’ve done a bit of meeting and greeting lately. feels good. i am grateful for the confidence and clarity it’s brought. plus, i haven’t done deep visualization in a long time, so it’s been catalyzing.

it’s also reminded me how impatient i can be in the “will he/won’t he call” stage.

typically, i don’t mind doing a little legwork if i think the guy’s worth it. if you want something, go get it, right?

since i’m nearly always operating from my intuitive, heart-self and not my head, i often see and am attracted to said potential. therefore, my natural inclination is to give them what they need without deep regard as to whether or not they are able to return the favor. i always get the basic, “decent guy” packaging, so they are at least willing to try to reciprocate.

unfortunately, where i can get ocean-deep, they often flounder. and that’s when things fall apart. so i’ve decided it’s probably better to step back and let them show themselves first.

now more than ever, i am totally focused on cultivating intentionality in my relationships–even in the beginning stages.

love can come and will be reciprocated as applicable. i’m open to that. and i’m still gonna get mine when i want it. however, there will be no commitment without real, tangible outcomes, and i have no problem stating that very clearly.

you want me? that’s sweet. prove it.

over the last thirteen years, i’ve learned three big lessons: first, there’s a thin line between mysterious, creative depths and the masking of unearthed and unacknowledged pain. second, if i need a crowbar and forceps to approach your psyche, it’s not gonna work. third–and probably most important–a well-rehearsed melange of coping and defense mechanisms is not a personality.

lots of really “nice guys” have all that going. in spades.

so, yeah. i’m ready to hop back on the merry-go-round.

…just understand that i am heavily armed.

this goes, for friends, too. shit.

i don’t fully know why

but i’m really having a hard time believing that h-town &; jodeci really made a song together.
even though there’s videographic proof. ::sigh::

in no particular order, i blame the following for this shit here: trey songz, crack rocks, the death of gerald levert, the recession, waffle house, spectacular smith of pretty ricky, bad weed, the prison industrial complex, reaganomics (why the fuck NOT? that’s where crack rocks came from!), autotune, charlie wilson’s comeback (because these fools forgot that they weren’t ever on his level), jahiem (yeah, i said it), the good black man shortage myth, zane, malt liquor, crown fried chicken, fruity loops, & motherfucking blackplanet dot com. i would sue for damages, but as a black woman in america, i’ve learned that my complaints are usually only heard by those who give a damn to begin with. that’d be YOU, blog reader(s). all twelve of you.

& while we’re on former 90’s r&b starruhs, let’s take a gander at what aaron hall is doin w/ himself these days, shall we?

who dresses in their easter best to whisper to dogs?
is he using this $ to buy more suits?
note that there are no black folks letting this man into their homes. why? cuz we KNOW about aaron hall’s fool ass already!
his german sounds like his vietnamese sounds like his farsi sounds like his spanish. i’m just sayin.

now i have to watch coming to america to cleanse my mind. i hope it works.

i am simply tired

of washing the blood from the hem of my skirt
not knowing whether it’s yours or mine
hearing the blood curdling screams of my ancestors as they overlap with the gritos of souls aching for justice & peace.
may the ancestors welcome you, adolph grimes.
may justice be visited swiftly upon those who snatched you away from this realm.  iba ara t’orun.
(and, for good measure, fuck the police.)

five things you can do right now about the oscar grant shooting.

(link courtesy of jay smooth)

Oscar Grant, an unarmed man, was killed by an Oakland police officer. Here are five things (compiled by Makani Themba-Nixon) that you should do right now to respond to the senseless death of this 22 year old Black man. Video footage of the shooting recently surfaced.

1. Digg the story so that the national media can pick up on it

2. Contact BART Director Carole Ward Allen and demand that 1) the officers involved be taken off duty without pay and charged and fully prosecuted; 2) there be an independent investigation of the shooting that includes a review of training and hiring practices; and 3) BART establish an independent residents’ review board for the police Call her at 510-464-6095 or email the BART Directors at BoardofDirectors@bart.gov

3. Call the BART police to complain about the officers’ conduct and demand immediate action: Internal Affairs: Sergeant David Chlebowski 510.464.7029,dchlebo@bart.gov; Chief of Police: Gary Gee 510.464.7022, ggee@bart.gov

Call them toll free at 877.679.7000 and press the last four digits of the phone number you wish to reach.

4. Talk it up on your blogs, networks and talk radio shows (call Michael Baisden 877-6BADBOY or Rev. Al, etc. to get this on the national radar)

5. Stay tuned for other actions, protests, etc., especially if you are in the Bay.

i’m not really good at this.

naming names, dates, times, events, etc.

i just know that militants are not the same as children playing on rooftops.
i know that if neutral parties are telling us that the news stories lie about casualties, & aid groups can’t get in, then it is not about anything other than massacre.
women & children
robocalls, telling the ppl that hamas has abandoned them . . .

this is all designed to destroy them, and for what?

to assuage the guilt of the rest of the world for standing idly by when camps were built to kill jews en masse?
to spill blood on land that’s meant to be holy? for what?
when they’re all gone, what are you gonna do next? start firing at someone else?
the right to exist has nothing to do with a right to destroy other people. i’m sorry.

like i told bfp the other day, i feel more than i think about it & i daresay you’re a chickenshit if you don’t.
all that academic shit, all the historical citations and shit just give you a reason to be detached from it
because you know you could never sit idly by and watch your children and your neighbors’ children die by the hundreds. because you know, full well, that your comfort would no longer matter if you sent your nine-year-old to the store on an errand and he came back to you only in the pieces discernible from the bits of other folks.

i
don’t
fucking
like
this
shit.

public pressure. if you wouldn’t dare advocate this shit in your own back yard, don’t advocate it in someone else’s.
all i want to do is scream because at the end of the day, this is about fighting over land that’s important to everyone & really belongs to no one at all.

my slap a motherfucker button is being pressed.

hard. because of this.

“i’m afraid if he wins, the blacks will take over.”
really?
word?

you think “we” (like every black person is secretly united against your white asses and anyone who could possibly undermine our goals of world domination via newports and malt liquor) are waiting with baited breath for obama to win so we can come out in droves to destroy your pure christian nation of amber waves of grain and virgins? like, the second the inauguration ceremony ends, this man decides to paint the white house black for real? is he gonna pass a mandate that the new endangered species is listed as the educated black man? the fbi’s ten most wanted list is changed to list folks who owe barack and/ or michele obama over 500 USD? are the darkies gonna take to the streets in celebratory dance like the big liberation scene in the wiz? oh, waaaaaaaaaaaiiiit. i know now: the bald eagles will all be caught and deep-fried like so many thanksgiving turkeys, then served on the lawn of the white house on paper plates w/ ronald reagan’s coffin as a table. it’ll be the takeover dinner.

“the blacks” are as varied in opinion as “the whites,” “the latinos,” and every other group in american society. some of us are for him. some of us are against him. others are undecided or not voting for either of the big-party candidates. ridiculous. dry that shit up. secondly, a good number of “us” are not thinking about you in middle america. we, like you, have normal and everyday concerns: bills, food, family, jobs, etc. i hate to even discuss my similarities to such simpletons, but we’re all having very human experiences right now. nobody has any fucking money. you’re worried about ppl who look like me taking over this country? booboo kitty, people who look like you have not been doing a bang-up job, i don’t know if you’ve noticed. the system doesn’t effing work — who gives a hot wet fuck what color the top dog is or isn’t? would the sheer pride of seeing “one of us” in the white house automatically mobilize ppl who identify as black in such a way that we decided to just magically pull it all together and start . . . doing what?
what does ‘taking over’ even entail?
exactly.
simple asses.

and i won’t address the “muslim thing.”
i refuse to discuss what seems to be the prevailing anti-obama (or decidedly anti-democrat, possibly even anti-black) song & dance: these niggers got student loans and took too long paying them back! um, i’m sorry — i had one loan and that was because i quit school after a year and a half. do you know how long it took me to pay it off? about 3 years, and i didn’t even go to the ever-expensive harvard or yale. this is so dumb. are those who criticize michelle and/ or barack obama aware that the FAFSA is for everyone? are they aware that havard’s law school site itself discusses the extension of loan repayment for graduates who do not go into six-figure jobs straightaway? come on. this is just plain ridiculous.

i won’t dedicate much more time to this, as i need to go to bed.

but i genuinely do hope that the scales begin to fall from folks’ eyes. if not immediately or in time for election day, then soon enough that they are able to save themselves from the madness that has engulfed this land.

but what do i know?
i’m just polishing my illegally obtained gun so i can “take over” on inauguration day.

oh, negro please.

(disclaimer: i really don’t trust black dudes w/ chemically processed hair as a general rule. but this motherfucker takes the cake.)

i present to you, lovely blog readers, michael warns who appears to be the leader of of a group called blacks against obama. some things i notice:

this man relies heavily on scripture to explain why obama’s not worthy of the vote.

the scriptures referenced paint a catastrophic picture of death, destruction, and general mayhem as the fault of some mystical satan woman named lilith (i’m presuming this is the lilith who was adam’s first wife)

the cover of michael’s book entitled satan revealed her name is lilith she is 33% of the black women in america contradicts the sidebar on the right side of the second index page of the website, where he refers to one-third of black women in america as ‘jezebel.’

the artwork of the book very clearly plays upon the binary thinking typical of the west, of which the united states of america (refered to by michael as babylon) is a part.

the artwork very clearly displays oprah on the side of evil/ wrong/ the devil/bad/ black (note the black text describing things that this dude is purportedly against) . . . even down to the photo of ms. winfrey (open mouth, hands at the side of her head, not smiling, possibly exclaiming something at the top of her lungs).

in brief, the ideas put forth by the man who calls himself michael warns remind me of every person i’ve ever known who has required treatment for schizophrenia. i’m not saying this to be mean or to have a laugh at his expense (that’s what the relaxed hair comment was for) — it’s apparent to me that something is wrong. following what he’s saying, am i to believe that oprah gail winfrey is the devil and that she has chosen barack obama to do her bidding and lead us all . . . to hell?

really?

i’m sorry, but there’s no fucking way. none. and i’m disappointed in anyone who buys into this. it makes zero sense.

if this dude were on the corner in any major urban center talking about this stuff (in the same way, speaking in abstracts and everything), who’d listen to him? who’d take him seriously? because he has a url and a self-published book and a ustream.com account he’s legit?
fuck
outta
here
with
that
bullshit!

i’m not saying that this dude and his crew (who interrupted a barack obama campaign speech just the other day) don’t have the right to talk about what they want

but exactly WHAT the fuck did this dude say/ do to get support from these cats?
they’re anti child support (why?)
they’re staunchly christian, from what i gather (if the men in the group are in alignment with the head of the body, then that’d more or less be the case right?)
they believe in something “traditional,” which from what i can tell is rather ambiguous (they haven’t got a lot of presence on the web and seem not to have put forth any manner of a mission statement) but involves women not voting (suggested by the preface to the book)
it’s just too much like un-set jello
i daresay every last one of these fuckers is out of his mind
so yeah
i wanna thank renee at womanist musings for posting about this
and implore any of you who come across this kind of shit to dismiss it as what it is: a h.a.m sandwich with a thick slice of bullshit cheese, on par with youtube “star” reh dogg’s video showing viewers barack obama’s “true colors.” nonsensical, at best.
thank you, and good night.

do not look a gift horse in the mouth

do not look a gift horse in the mouth
do not . . .

fuck that
these white ppl who live somewhere in my building or the building next door (same landlord, same big ass back yard) decided they wanted to celebrate the full moon this morning
. . . at 5
before sunrise
by climbing up and down the fire escape with beer and food and shit

why the fuck are you thisclose to my bedroom window
yelling “yoooo” to your friend
like it’s 5 pm
like you’re the only motherfuckers who live here
like nobody matters except you

fuck you
fuck your over privileged, bratty sense of entitlement
i called the landlord
i hope he tells you to stay your ass off the fire escape up here unless there’s a fire, especially since you do not live on my floor
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
i hope you fall and break your leg or drop your iphone
or get locked out of the building and nobody comes to help you and you get stuck out back w/ the gangs of raccoons and possums who dominate the trash cans in this part of the city

*exhale*

i prayed for this apartment
i work hard to keep my rent paid
i just took a serious blow financially trying to get in this joint
i will not allow some inconsiderate dickhead white boys to fuck it up for me
i’m (totally not) sorry
but i gotta pull your coattails on this one
it is not okay to abuse the amenities of this property
not as long as you have neighbors like me
and the next time you have a loud balcony party i’m gonna let the cops into the yard
cuz thursday nights are not the same thing as friday nights. dickheads.

this morning’s rant was brought to you by our sponsors, the full harvest moon, the impending autumnal equinox, and fela kuti’s “water no get enemy.”

i am a civil service employee.

(a rant)

i have been a civil service employee for what’ll be 4.5 years as of this coming sunday. i work in an office where depending on what’s happening, we hear dead last about the wild shit employees do. i’ve heard tales of fist fights at health centers, ppl in full work dress brawling on the msb concourse, social workers knocking over file cabinets mid-fight, and (my personal favorite) the dude who was slinging rocks out of the city vehicle he used to drive medication to different city health centers. there’s been a lot. the civil service workforce, for 20+ years, has been built on one idea: they have to catch you fucking up before they can call you guilty. it happened during the goode and rendell administrations, and we all remember john “i’m one of the worst mayors in america” street. let me just tell you now: i’m accustomed to the bullshit. in so many regards, the stereotypical city employee exists. and then there are people who rise far above that generally sub-par status quo to do better than just doing their jobs. there’s a huge gray area, too, of folks who really don’t even know how it is that they woke up and were marking 10 or 15 or 20 years with the city, possibly in the same position they had when they arrived.
i call it ‘that philly shit.’ but that’s quite possibly another post altogether.
we have a new mayor. he doesn’t play that shit; people have been jumping ship altogether or getting canned consistently since he was inaugurated in january. but, there’s much to be done and so much to assess. he’s essentially trying to walk with his shoelaces tied together in some regards. it’s the job of the deputy mayor of health and opportunity to make some things run more smoothly

(this is where the post gets iffy, so if you can’t handle graphic language or images, please do NOT read this post . . . just find something else to do with your eyes)

and that brings me to the unfortunate death of danieal kelly. if you live in philly (or within a 3 hour drive of philly, for that matter), you already know: she died in august of 2006. she was starved to death and had cerebral palsy, was covered in maggots and flies and feces . . . and that she was one of nine children living in her mother’s two-bedroom apartment. there are layers of dysfunction involved in this situation, the likes of which i only wish i could say i’ve never seen. it’s really easy to wag a finger at every fully grown person (nine of whom are being criminally charged) who had a hand in her neglect and eventual death, particularly her parents and the four social/ case workers (two civil service, two contract) who were supposed to have intervened at the first sign of danger.

the grand jury report on danieal’s death and everything leading up to it smacks of one thing to me: broken people, functioning as best they can (for lack of a better term), and only really being flagged or stopped cold when it likely too late. to examine it from all sides through or past my rage doesn’t give me peace. but it shows me that as terrible as this situation was/ is (andrea kelly has 9 other children if my count is right), it’s a major symptom of an immeasurably sick community.

i know that these are individual community members who were responsible for the lives and wellbeing of children. that doesn’t change what bothers me the most: every terrible thing that led to danieal’s death was in play long before she was even born. her mother and father did not magically become fucked up and/ or crazy on january 3, 1992 (her birthday). dana poindexter, laura sommerer, mickal kamuvaka and julius murray? all of these folks were comfortable with doing what they did, and there’s no way to assume that these behaviors weren’t old hat for each of them. the same applies for every person at the upper levels who let the DHS employees’ shit go unchecked. and carmen paris, the former health commissioner? preposterous. there’s no word (in the print media or in the various city worker gossip pools) on why she’d have gone and meddled in some shit like that. clearly, she felt like it was okay to do that and didn’t hesitate in doing so. that is, again, some shit that had been in play for a hot minute.

so what’s my real point? i’m gonna try to dig one out, since this is a rant and they usually don’t have really well-defined points. actually, i feel like my point is twofold:

the things that need to change administratively within the ranks of philadelphia’s city government are going to happen regardless. michael nutter, don schwarz, and the managing director are not in a position to play around with folks’ lives; they’ve shown themselves to be dedicated to cleaning all of this mess up. and that’s wonderful. if we can’t depend on people whose jobs are to provide adequate government services to us, then i daresay we don’t really have a city.

but this city is eating itself alive. there’s just some deep, old, long-standing muck that seems to be what most of my fellow philadelphians are dealing with. it’s something many of us have inherited and will pass onto our progeny. i don’t have a name for it. it’s the unnamed beast that allows our murder rate to be so high continually, it’s the thing that seems to have eaten the best/ most humane parts of andrea and daniel kelly, it’s the same monster that leads “friends of the family” to perjure on behalf of someone they know has done wrong. it’s not so simple as moms wanting that social security check. i don’t know what it is.

but if people who see the disease don’t do something to keep themselves steeled against it, and do what they can to demonstrate a better life to those around them, there won’t be anything but stories like this. it’s all connected; this link is evidenced in the fact that the family members/ friends of andrea kelly and the social workers are being charged for the same ass-covering and lying, etc. regarding danieal’s neglect. she had cerebral palsy. not a brain tumor. not hiv/ aids. she wasn’t born with anything terminal. and all it would have taken was for someone to decide to stay on top of this shit — even loose monitoring, as per the grand jury report, would have made an impact.

i don’t believe for one minute that i’m “like” these other folks, the ones who end up before grand juries. i know i’m not; but the bottom line is that i’m in it even if i’m not of it. and it’s my job the same as it is that of anyone else in the ranks to pull this shit together once and for all. i’m just glad there’s an actual consensus and work being done to make it happen. it’s not gonna be easy, and it can’t be done by one team of ppl w/ six-figure salaries and their staff. it really is going to take the work of everyone who wants that change and will put in the work.

*sigh*

i could be writing forever. i’ll probably revisit this sooner or later; i just have to make sure i won’t get fired for doing it. accountability. it’s what’s for dinner.

on: r. kelly, demons, black folk, and gordon gartrell radio.

1) omi gave me the impetus.
2) phonte drove it home here. among other gems, he said ‘the same power structure that says cops can put 50 bullets in a nigga is the same one that tells entertainers it’s okay to piss on lil black girls.’ YUP.
3) that motherfucker is guilty any time his damn attorney offers the ‘little man’ defense as what’s supposed to be a legit means of proving innocence.
4) i’m glad this has actually made it to trial. really.
5) anyone who puts the fault on that little girl would probably have let the motherfucker pee on their grown asses. being in awe of celebrity, being impressionable, and being just plain uninformed of one’s own power are not exclusive to kids.
6) in the first episode of the boondocks, huey asked tom dubois ‘do you know the extent to which niggas love r. kelly?’ and at this point in time i can say: the love was underestimated. it seems like ppl are looking for reasons for it to be okay. it ain’t.
7) i don’t think white ppl give a damn about it. and probably wouldn’t unless it was a white girl he’d peed on. see: kobe.
8) we can’t forget aaliyah. we can’t.
9) the whole trial appears to be a zoo. not a sex zoo. just a regular ass, dysfunction-on-parade zoo.
10) most ppl who talk so much about sex and god (and rarely have subject matter that deviates from either) are mentally damaged. see: bizzy bone, marvin gaye (AND his daddy, i’m sure).

i don’t do

special needs men.

that is, if you’re beyond the regular kind of crazy
if you’re slow to the point where context clues don’t help you figure out wtf i’m talking about
if you can’t imagine your life without fast food and/ or have a dependency on sugar
if you’re afraid to admit not knowing something
if you’re afraid to learn something
if you aren’t trying to improve your life beyond material assets
if you can’t fathom ever vacationing or moving away from the place where you live right now
if your idea of appropriate foodstuffs for a child includes soda or grape drink
if you think cable is a necessity
if you don’t know that the first CDs were certificates of deposit, not compact discs
if you think it’s abnormal to believe in someone not named jesus, allah, yaweh, jehovah, or god
if you have being rich confused with being wealthy
if you’re impressed by kanye but have no idea who j. dilla was/ is
if you think i’m tryna be someone other than myself because i aspire to be multilingual
if you think being on welfare is a permanent condition, and not a tool to improve the quality of one’s life
if you think r. kelly is good for anything other than shaking your head or being disappointed
if you have a tattoo on your neck, face, outer wrist, either hand, behind your ear, or on your forearm(s) and you do not have the skills to earn a decent living outside of a crappy, low-paying job
if you believe that it’s okay to have sex without protection and you believe children are merely a consequence of getting your dick wet
if your idea of a suitable marriage proposal is tied to the lyrics of jagged edge’s “let’s get married”
if you grew up in the suburbs but aspire to be “hood”
if you love city of god because it gave you ideas on how to be a bad dude
. . .

if any of the above characteristics applies to you, i qualify you as special needs.
and i especially need for you to stay away from me
cuz i can’t do it. your healing isn’t my job. i’m trying hard as shit to fix me.

thanks.

the world’s oldest profession.

i watched cathouse the other night.

tonight, i’m watching hookers at the point.

do i even need to go into detail about the glaringly obvious differences? nearly all of the women featured from dennis hof’s bunny ranch are white. they’re in reno. rural, kind of. the women at the point are brown. latin. black. a white girl here & there. it’s mindblowing. they’re not safe. the cameras on them are from a film crew, not a closed-circuit surveillance system. if something’s ‘not okay’ for the women at the point, they’re on their own. so many disparities. i don’t even think the women at the bunny ranch come exclusively from a position of privilege — rather, their choices to become sex workers seem to be motivated by pleasure, rather than a drug habit or the needs of hungry kids @ home. these women get $1,000 for an hour of their time. the women at the point? one tenth of that if they make demands & stand their ground. i don’t know how much of that is clever editing, & how much of it is fact. there’s a lot at play. sex workers aren’t necessarily born sex workers. but the disparities that i see between the two groups are many, & vast.

*sigh*

and then i see this over at angry brown butch. and this at feministe. i have no words. my heart breaks to know that the names of people who should — just like every fucking body else, be uplifted as they are remembered for their lives — are having their names twisted in death. it’s fucked up. it’s wrong. it hurts my feelings. how could panic be an acceptable excuse? i panicked, SO I KILLED HER. what? really? wow. panic has caused me to lock myself out of my apartment. panic has made me drop shit on the floor. panic has never, ever, EVER caused me to kill someone.
& for fuck’s sake, if we could all cry misrepresentation as a reason to kill . . . i would have murdered no fewer than 5 men i’ve had sex with, one woman i used to be friends with . . . & my own father.
let’s be for real. calling someone a prostitute (whether they were or not) somehow magically justifies it, if you follow what’s been reported. no. i’m not buying it.

excuses aren’t gonna soothe the broken hearts of mothers
no explanation given could ever make enough sense of this shit. someone threw away your baby’s life because of what? because they were mistaken about who your child was? no.

someone told me today: when ppl attend your funeral, their wailing is meant to be loud so that it’s known in heaven that you were/ are loved.
i definitely hope that these loved & lost ones continue to be spoken of.

dope girls.

in streetwise terms, the word dope only means one thing: the illegal, illicit shit. usually coke or heroin. it’s the norm to be a dope girl nowadays. you have a kid or two. job corps really didn’t do for you what you thought it would. that welfare-to-work medical assistant training is fine but the pay caps out at $32K per year depending on where you live — and if you’ve done welfare-to-work, you probably have babies to feed. so what’s a girl to do?
you start pushing weight, or boosting & selling the hot shit on the street. or, you get two jobs — maybe three — so you can handle your business.
i’m not saying that this is what happened to gina hunt & andrea yarrell & their children, but damn if it doesn’t seem that way. i’m not okay w/ this shit. it bothers me to no end that they were targeted for robbery and killed over some weed & money. i’m fucked up about the comments ppl have made as to the whys of these murders. i’m not okay with pointing my finger at any woman who seems to have chosen to push weight (or strip or prostitute or do any of those “bad” things) so she can maintain a fucking roof over her fucking head. i’m not gonna knock anybody because i know for a fact that in the past 2 years i’ve been so desperately broke that i wondered if selling weed was a better idea than dayjobbing it. no lie. & heaven only knows if i’ll find myself there again. who knows if any of us will be in that position? over and over again, ppl are saying it’s all about what the mothers did before that point. my god, is it really like that? you mean to tell me that before the killer shot that he couldn’t have decided to do something else? he couldn’t just walk out? what the fuck? but i guess if their house had been mistaken for a different house, it’d be okay. these girls weren’t euologized as ph.ds or neurosurgeons — cuz rich motherfuckers get into drug shit too — so i’m under the impression that just maybe it wasn’t about the fun or glamor of selling dope. i’m pretty sure that these women knew that it’s not cute out here — it weapons were found in the home, they probably knew what the norm is. there’s no honor among thieves, obviously. shooting babies? for what?
my heart’s broken by shit like this. i understand that murder is par for the course, and i know that folks are transitioning at what seems like an alarming rate. but the way this shit went down really breaks my heart. sometimes i understand why so many folks say “some days it doesn’t pay to wake up black.” apparently, it doesn’t pay to wake up female, mothering, black in this country.

fuck. what is wrong with people? these cowards won’t even admit to who shot whom. pointing fingers and laying blame at others’ feet, like that shit’s gonna help shit. so damaged. so damning.

may these lives be lost not in vain, but to teach valuable lessons to those who hear of the events. may there be rightful, righteous justice visited upon the heads of the killers. may the families of the lost/ loved ones be comforted & edified by the outpouring of sincere support from wherever it comes. it’s not often that a mother or father has to bury a child or even a grandchild — but i pray that those left behind are able to heal.

i don’t even know what else to say. peace to the mothers & children.

if snitches get stitches, then sew me up.

megan meier didn’t deserve this. i don’t care what happened between two kids — if a parent gets involved, it should be to end the drama. not turn it into some torturefest that ends in suicide.
i applaud the (anonymous) mother who told the truth.

outside of that, i’ve nothing to say, really, except this:

rest in peace, megan.

out of pocket in atlanta: shawntae harris.

hitting people upside the head with bottles of rum? really?

the most organized thoughts i could immediately muster about such a report are best reflected by miss jalylah burrell in this post on she real cool (i still wish i’d been clever enough to conceive of such a blog title, even after 2 years of reading). a quote:

Simplemindeness leads too many to believe that certain bodies are immune from perpetuating isms. People of Color, Women and/or LGBTQ’s identities do not endow them with progressiveness and sometime they can be as vigilant as the mainstream in instilling perpetuating and maintaining the strictures that incongruously tightly circumscribe their lives.

by virtue of that same simplemindedness (as it belongs to others, not so much this writer), i think she makes black lesbians look bad. if you’re the only reference point that some folks have for an entire group of people, you are an ambassador, whether your ass wishes to be or not. people are stupid. just like being the only black person around will get you some bullshit in all-white “liberal” or “inquisitive”circles, being the only lesbian (particularly around some strongly heterosexist, queerphobic black folks) will get you some bullshit. there’s a culture of exclusion among black folk as is, incidents like this (whether largely publicized or not) seem to be the carte blanche that these closed-minded folks need in order to justify hate. the same way black men in hoodies, timbs, the “wrong” sneakers/ jeans combo, etc. aren’t allowed into certain night spots because of what someone “dressed similarly” may or may not have fucking done in that same night spot or a different one. i’m not justifying acts of exclusion, but i definitely see that side of those behaviors. if you’re an inside-the-box thinker, what else are you gonna think? “she’s a lesbian, she’s black, she’s kinda butchy so i guess i can expect that from kinda butchy black lesbians.” thinking in a line is dangerous. even when the linear thinking is based on lies & exaggerations. call me crazy, but that’s just what i think. people are that dumb, unfortunately. sometimes, we give others ammunition through our convoluted, negative behaviors. i don’t feel like it’s okay to assume that one person should represent all folks who can be classified in that group (at the same time, i’m not terribly keen on identity politics & classifying folks in the first place) . . . but i guess my disturbance is that behavior like this certainly doesn’t help anyone who struggles for the rights of a group — black folks, women, the LBGTQ community, poor folks, etc.

doesn’t she have any kind of fucking home training? you just hit motherfuckers in the head with bottles of booze (that i presume she paid for, cuz who the fuck is giving her irrelevant-to-current-music ass any freebies?) when you have a problem with them? from what i read in jalylah’s blog, & other random bits of celebrity gossip/ news i’ve heard she’s got some stunted social growth/ anger management/ alcohol consumption issues. to paraphrase katt williams, if folks say the same exact shit about you for 20 years, it’s true. that is, her behavior from what i’ve observed/ heard is congruent w/ someone who has some issues they need to work out. homegirl needs to put the bottle down for more reason than one, i’m willing to bet. no matter what someone says or does to you (short of threatening your life with action or words), you as a grown ass person probably need to learn to walk away. & you definitely don’t come at them after the fact to assault them. fuck that. unfortunately, it’s not even really about home training. she might not have ever adhered to anything her caregiver(s) ever taught her. sad, but true.

maybe i hold women to a higher standard. maybe i hold black folks to a higher standard, & therefore lean on black women extra hard. but ultimately, this incident is so telling! it says so much about the way we internalize the colonization of ourselves & our ancestors. if she makes you mad, hit her. if she rebuffs your advances, she’s a worthless/ good-for-nothing/ funny looking/ tacky whore/ bitch/ skag/ heifer/ ho . . . & if she dare speak back, show her who’s boss. this is something i’ve seen from butch lesbians as much as i’ve seen it from hetero-identifying men. i don’t give a fuck, anyone who feeds into the gender constructs (regardless of biological sex) is susceptible to the comfort of what being a man or woman will get you in this society. maybe that doesn’t make sense . . . what i’m speaking on is what i’ve observed with my own eyes, what i’ve felt in my heart of hearts. there are women running around here thinking they can play the part better than a bio male can within the same social constructs, & that is dangerous. not because i believe gender roles are static, but because in this place we call america those gender roles are rife with oppression. because they are misleading & create a space wherein domestic abuse is okay, wherein it’s okay to dominate your partner simply because it’s what’s “supposed to happen.” carrying around & perpetuating the fucked up attitudes/ behaviors that you’ve been exposed to isn’t suddenly made okay if you’re not in a heterosexual romantic relationship. sorry. essentially, mistreatment of another human being is supposed to be wrong all of the time.
*sigh*
i lost my train of thought. but i think that’s enough for now.

i’m expecting someone who doesn’t respect my stance to come attack me in the comments box . . . because i’m supposed to forgive her class status (before becoming a wealthy/ famous rapper), blame hip hop for her acting like that, & give her a pass because i’m a queer black woman myself.

right.

oh, hell no.

wtf?

i’m kinda, like… flabbergasted.

please feel free to engage me in discourse in the comments, okay?

there is so much wrong here. so much.

now look, dammit

i don’t know who all on earth might find themselves browsing this blog. & i know the language or the random rants about r. kelly might throw you off. you may even feel inclined to stop reading because i talk about sex freely & don’t have any trouble discussing my occasional toke. but if there’s any one thing you need to know about me, it’s that i do not think domestic abuse is acceptable or okay in any situation. it just isn’t. i’m not hearing that “he’s a good person” shit, i don’t care if “all she did was” hit you once. i don’t give a rat’s ass. it’s not okay. the idea that your abuser has any redeeming qualities, to me, is a damn joke. they nullify all of those things once they choose to put their hands on you, once they put forth any effort to control you by using violence. i do not believe that there’s any dialog to be had, there’s no reason to try to work it out. the first thing you need to do is get away. the second thing you need to do is stay away. if there’s a need to return to a home you share w/ the abuser, have someone escort you (preferably the police or other neutral party) & get your shit. don’t negotiate. don’t let the begging & pleading & all that other hot bullshit be part of the equation, if you can help it. get out, get away, stay gone. if there are children involved, of course it’s not that easy. but there are ways out. please don’t ever think there aren’t. please.

this post was inspired by juanita bynum’s interview with fox 5 atlanta regarding her having been attacked by her now-estranged husband, thomas weeks. she had a press conference the other day. i’m really kind of ecstatic that sis chose to announce that domestic violence in the church isn’t just about the church, but something that crosses boundaries. i’m thankful that she can say that unflinchingly. i hope that she’s genuine in her stance. i hope that she is really, fully okay with taking on the mantle of being an anti-domestic violence advocate. i really hope she’s sincere. she has so many ppl who buy her books and watch her on tv, etc. she is in a position to demonstrate positive things to so many folks.
i hope she does turn this around.

i tried really hard to hold my breath

& refrain from speaking on terrence howard’s declaration that women who don’t clean themselves w/ baby wipes are ‘just unclean.’ i wanted really badly to refrain from giving his low-talent ass any more shine than he’s already gotten for playing such brilliant characters as the around-the-way barfly named cowboy (dead presidents), chu chu (biker boyz) & the ‘struggling pimp’ djay (hustle & flow). i didn’t say he couldn’t act, but outside of his light skinnedness & wearing church clothes to virtually every event he attends, what’s the draw?
but anyway. i was tryna bite my tongue, then i remembered that this here blog is mine to do what i wanna do with it. so, here goes:

first off, this motherfucker is not important enough to go around telling anybody how to wipe their asses, short of an infirmed or infantile family member of his. he’s not a doctor. he is an actor. he gets paid to dress up and make believe that he’s someone else & he isn’t even good at that! let’s not allow him to have that much influence over our bathrooms, our anuses or our purchase of baby wipes. i have a girlfriend who’s a doctor & she expressed some annoyance that grown ppl (who come to her & end up getting rectal exams) don’t fully wipe their asses. i’d listen to dr. homegirl before i listen to that guy. because it’s what she’s spent 3 years in school for. because she’s begun a residency. it’s her job to be concerned with health/ hygiene.

secondly, i have to point out the overall tone of the interview. he seems to fall into the category of a misogynistic woman hater. i say he seems to, because i don’t know him & have only ever read this one interview w/ him. but the idea that he’s a woman-hater is backed up by this article on jezebel.com. there as also a fashion shoot in an old issue of vibe magazine with the theme of a couple going through their daily routine or whatever, where one photo depicted him grabbing or shaking the female with whom he did the shoot. i don’t like that. not one fucking bit. my eyebrow is at least raised in that man’s general direction.

thirdly, as pointed out by (my new favorite blogger) dark daughta in this post, he’s sans vulva. he is not an authority on vaginae, vulvae, clitorises, or anything else that biologically belongs to women. sorry. nope. to quote my beloved grandfather, “what’s wrong with that rabbit brain?” honest to goddess, unless you study vulvae from a medical standpoint (being a porn hound does not a coochie expert make) i kinda don’t wanna hear it. really.

so, in short: terrence dashon howard needs to shut the fuck up.

hold the motherfuckin phone! (part 2)

now, i love me some amy winehouse. i do. both of her albums are in constant rotation w/ me — work, home, it doesn’t matter. i love her music. it was such a real treat to see her at the black lily concert (even though ?uestlove screwed the song up — don’t ask me how i know that; i have sources), & if i’m on a youtube kick, i’m likely to look up her videos.

but this makes me sad.

*sigh* i hate to see ppl doing this kind of shit to themselves. i mean, she told perez hilton a different story than what’s largely being reported, & if it’s true, then fine. but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be treating herself better, if possible. if homegirl’s cutting herself, that means something’s bothering her. she cancelled the north american tour, so i hope she really takes the time to get shit sorted out. one can only hope, right?

she reminds me so much of this girl i went to high school with…

rent a rasta.

after having watched the whole documentary, i’m not fully certain that j. michael seyfert really delved into every aspect of the sex tourism in jamaica. instead, it seems that he touched on it as a segue into rasta culture/ philosophy. there’s nothing necessarily wrong w/ that, but i definitely thought i’d be seeing something a bit different. i suppose, though, that this film serves to explain (even if loosely) what/ who rastas are vs. the outside world’s often stereotypical view of them.

i don’t believe for one minute that this even scratches the surface, for real. the women who engage in such activities worry the shit out of me, but that’s another rant for another day.

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