full moon gratitude.

vanilla rice milk
water
chubby cheeked babies and the adults they grow up to be
brightly colored stockings
naps
epsom salt
clarity
catharsis
people who know when to shut the fuck up
great music
delicious food
malbec

after much contemplation, i’ve realized:

i’m everything i could ever want in a mate. & i’m not mad at that. not one bit.

i’ll be marrying myselves sometime between my 30th birthday & the day i die. invitations pending, i suppose.

full moon gratitude.

free concert tickets
mediterranean food
cuties who give great hugs
quality couch time w/ good friends
yuengling lager
old friends
new friends
the healing properties of tears
revolutionary love
free laundry
purple nail polish
gold nail polish
sugar scrub
anti-histamines
& the music of fertile ground.

full moon gratitude

i’m in a very serious state of flux right now, and struggling to remain focused on my silver linings. this is an attempt to count the things that are present in my life.

transformation
cheerleaders
jarritos sodas
quorn turk’y loaf
serendipitous mercury retrograde happenings
food items properly smothered in bbq sauce
gold eye shadow
bronzer
bacon
water
honey
killa (word to la voz latina)
fertile ground
quirky black girls
west philly

full moon gratitude.

new beginnings
silence
willful isolation
sundresses
florida water
abundant change
random phonecalls
cumin
onion powder
babies
chosen family
pink dresses
libraries
vinegar
bloggity goodness
raspberry sorbet
cheap wine
pink eye shadow

continually, i sit at the seat of bliss.

full moon gratitude.

generous friends
breathtaking sunsets
fresh brewed iced tea
amazing pancakes
pennsylvania farm country
the right shade of pink nail polish
right-on-timeness
tricks of the trade
outlet stores
my own craftiness
my boundaries
remembering my own magic

full moon gratitude.

family
sunshine
hoodies
limeade
pink nail polish
herstories
old laughs
new jokes
rose soap
good stockings
friends
cat naps
foremothers
cheap buys
babies

gratitude

support

on-time surprises

customers

word of mouth

twitter

red wine

white wine

pizza (though it’ll be my last one for a while)

babies

generous friends

rose scented soaps

laughter

hot pink tights

foot spas

cherry coke

sleep

sunrise

gratitude #8

peach iced tea
soulseek
bronzers
oatmeal
strawberries
sisterhood
solidarity
radical women of color
youtube
teena marie
multivitamins
water
growing hair
clean clothes
lace panties
rhinestones
friends who’re makeup fiends
neti pots
piercing parlors
twitter
grapeseed oil
love

growing.

olaomi says that the elders told her to give thanks @ full moons, to observe what has come to fruition.

so let me share my gratitude some:

well-meaning idiots
random warmth this close to autumn
two legs, feet to carry me
almanac.com
bright green nail polish
my own intuition
being able to walk away
sobriety
intoxication
serendipitously meeting my (two!!) black neighbors
clean clothes & the laundromats to make them happen
good freebies
my gift of gab
“perfect” eyebrows
summer baldies
ori tutu
water
love
light
wind
the calm of night
autumnal equinox
malbec
guerreros
fuerza
twitter
casa atabex aché
memories
the dead
the living
babies
grown folk
kisses
ppl who don’t return calls (they are a gift, trust me)
ppl who call out of nowhere
red wine
making my own toothpaste
home made florida water
iya sade
the women who stood up
those who refuse to apologize

i’ve had a lot of time

to reflect.
i started the road to what i really wanna do.
and now, i’m simply putting one foot before the other to get there.
more later — i need some sleep.

gratitude #7 (since i don’t know what else to write):

water

lemon grass coconut soup

friends who encourage me

coworkers who actually get it

new bed linens

juicers

contractor bags

thunderstorms

the laundromat

anita baker

internet parodies

surprise weddings

any and all french fries

lime and cucumber

i couldn’t wait

to get here. that must be why i came early. and i know that, from the very start, you’ve held my hand. no matter how wrong i was, without regard to my stubbornness, you never let go. i appreciate that. i don’t know one word to sum it up. i’ve drifted, come back, drifted again but deep down i always knew you were anchoring me. i’m thankful.

you taught me
how to politely tell someone that i don’t cosign their foolishness
what it is to make a dollar out of 15 cents
how to be sharp as a tack on a really low budget
how to make a wreath out of trash bags
what the last laugh really is
how to be a maverick
when to walk away
that faith without work is dead
what forgiveness is without forgetting
how to say goodbye to someone you love
the difference between forward movement and running away
how to love myself regardless of what other people think
that crafting a gift can be better than a store-bought item
discipline for the sake of something i want
how to share without giving myself away

when i was a little girl, i wanted to be you because you exemplified composure and class. your hair, your choice of clothes and jewelry . . . i even used to sneak your cigarette butts because i wanted to know what it’d feel like to be you. i don’t know if you ever knew that. but i wanted to be just like you when i grew up. i can only hope that i can capture and utilize a fraction of your uniqueness. the way you move through the world is miraculous to me — some days i don’t think i have the grace or patience. but then i remember whose daughter i am, and i have to correct myself.

i don’t really know if i’ll ever be able to articulate how much taller i stand because you’ve helped me and been there and said ‘okay’ even when i wasn’t sure of myself.
thank you.
every day should be your day, but i’m just making sure i take the time to speak on how i feel.
i admire, respect, thank and love you. happy mother’s day, mommy!

this is a copy of the email i sent my mom. all the manicures, pedicures and jars of honey-roasted peanut butter won’t ever do it.

i don’t feel like delving today.

that is, i’m cleaning out my closets literally but the figurative act of doing so is way too much to handle at the moment. there are things churning around in my head about becoming a doula, becoming a massage therapist, & about this evolution i’m experiencing overall. i am a crafter, a day jobber, a writer . . . all these things that seem to be vying for dominance in my life. i mean, the logic says that i’d be without a place to be all this “other stuff” without having a pain in the ass day job, right? but i could not possibly look fwd to leaving work each day if i didn’t come home to my creatively-infused home, right? so much. so many things. i’ve got to be immediately occupied w/ working, crafting, healing (my tattoo is healing funny, but from what i surmise it’s an issue of its locale on my body & not shoddy work by jason, but more on that later), loving, laughing, building & a bunch of other -ings before i can even think about becoming the fabulously & fully self-employed self i want to be 1 year from now. there’s a lot. i don’t know if i can say i feel overwhelmed, or simply unaware of where/ how to begin.
thankfully, though, i’m being held up by folks who feel inclined on a consistent basis to contribute in a positive way
i’m learning to juggle (& eventually balance) it all
loosing myself of things/ persons unnecessary
finding out exactly what it is to actualize potential in the face of what can only be described as the “no-you-can’t” mass choir & its accompaniment, the faithful “i’ve-never-heard-of-that-so-it-must-not-be-valid” chorale. fuck ’em both; i’ve got work to do.
i’m letting go of the idea that i’ve got to get everything done all at once just because i think of everything all at once. this is not freaking easy. at all.
i’m learning process
practicing patience
trying my damnedest not to just up & quit the things i hate, though they get harder on the daily
i still feel like i’m waiting for my turn to jump into something. maybe a chute or giant water slide that leads to something with which i’m entirely unfamiliar. i’m less angsty about it, though.

i just wanna be fully ready to get this show on the fucking road.

revelation:

i am happiest when crafting with abandon. when i can just do whatever i want with whichever medium, i feel most peaceful. i feel alive.

reason #275 why i’m leaving that job.

maferefun sango!!!

kawo! kabiyesile!

thank you, baba, for sending my brother my way. i love love love LOVE that boy to pieces. thank you. we are each other’s cheer leader, each other’s comic relief, & most importantly we have a taciturn understanding that can be expressed simply by the raising of an eyebrow. my brother is so sharp, too. thank you for bringing a sharply dressed black man around me, one who actually compliments me and means it. he is not trying to sleep with me (not that i know of). he is socially conscious, and gives a damn about his folks. he will entertain my conversations about all things sociopolitical, & never once calls me ‘too smart.’ we crack nerd jokes & he never, ever, EVER tells me i think too much/ too hard.

i’m blessed to have a friend like vsf. i love that crazy child. i do.

adupe.

i haven’t been saying thank you

quite the way i should.

so let me put it like this here:

thank you everyone & everything on this here entire planet, in the universe, that ever was or will be.

thank you.

period.

things i really love this week:

my new favorite post on one tenacious baby mama, which can be found right here.

birthday presents!!! (i never got a lot of presents as a kid, so when ppl give me stuff i am not only bowled over but i feel very magical & sparkly, in addition to overall special)

new music

sex*

an internet connection that works long enough for me to cop a new anorak

odara healthy hair food & various other items from chic afrique

my mama

marathon grill

the series of contradictions that make up my blog reading & life overall

my crazy ass, sweet, thoughtful, creative, unique, forever-looking-out-for-me friends

angela bofill’s 1st album ON VINYL (thank you, brian, SO very much!)

* i always love sex. this is nothing new. lol.

it’s so easy to make

one of those “oh this year i’m gonna ____________” posts, only to be disappointed in myself next year when i read it over. i know how that mess goes and i refuse to do that to my psyche. instead, i’m gonna lay it all out thusly:

if you called/ sent a text/ emailed/ sang/ clapped/ danced/ gifted or did anything else in honor of my birthday, i:

1) love
2) appreciate
3) am thankful for
4) am glad to know
5) owe my most sincere thanks to
6) am reminded why i continually fux with
7) hope to always be friends with
8) need to buy a drink for
9) probably need to spend more time with
10) just plain fucking HEART

you.

thank you. you rock. you are a superstar & SO wonderful for blessing me on my special day. i will return the favor, provided that i don’t actually forget your birthday. & even if i do, i’ma return the favor. because you’re an absolute pumpkin & deserve all that positivity returned to you ten thousand fold.

this was a day when i could look around & really feel the myriad ways in which i am blessed. i hope to continue to feel that until this particular revolution around the sun has completed & i begin the next. ecstasy, abundance & bliss. those are the things i want.

exhaling can be so freeing.

the other night, i had something resembling a panic attack. i saw someone who reminded me of some things that i’d spent the better part of a year trying to shake loose/ bury/ empty my mind of. i felt like i was losing my grip on the little shell i’d built for myself to live inside of. sure, i’m social & sweet & all that other shit . . . but can we be for real? i was so shook that i was trying to avoid talking to a woman whom i know from the neighborhood . . . & all she wanted to do was say hello. it was really crazy. i felt like she didn’t deserve to be treated like that. of course, i threw on the warrior face & put those feelings aside long enough to carry on a little bit of walking-up-the-block chitchat. i felt a little normalized, but mostly still fucked up. i was definitely in the beginning of a disconnect from my immediate surroundings. interacting with her was actually a really good thing. i was gaining some perspective on my situation. that’s totally invaluable. i was beginning to feel a bit better.
i decided that i had to feel all of it, though. trying to avoid those feelings had me jacked up to begin with, you know? emotional presence is one of those things that can be nearly impossible to practice if you’ve never known you were conditioned to keep your feelings to yourself. the more i remind myself of the conditioning that has essentially made me feel like i was wrong for even having feelings, the more i’m able to see where it’s stopped me. of course, there’s such thing as balance. i don’t necessarily need to tell the lady in whole foods that i feel victimized by those damn dialoguedirect employees down the block, but i also needn’t bite holes in my tongue when i’m at a family dinner & someone’s praying against gay marriage. (they did it at my cousin’s wedding, so why not over turkey, collards & cranberry-orange relish?)
i’m being tangential again. i had to work these feelings out on my own, like a grownup. so, i did what any wise conjure woman does: i took a nice, relaxing bath & prayed/ meditated myself into a better mindset. i couldn’t possibly waste my time crying or fretting, wondering what to do next. i knew what to do.
i did it.
sometimes, exhaling is all you need to do.