presenting: the absurdity of tina knowles.

now, y’all know i love clothes. i live for sparkly, brightly colored shit that some may shy away from. but one day about two years ago i had the misfortune of discovering that tina knowles (mother of beyonce, solange, & play mama to kelendria) had unleashed on the unsuspecting & undeserving masses released, in addition to dereon, a line of clothing via the home shopping network’s website and live broadcasts.  be still, my heart! more profound fashion fuckery? i tuned into HSN to learn just what awaited me.  i wasn’t ready. not at all. & i know you aren’t, either.  let’s take a stroll down the hallowed halls of miss tina’s fashions. shall we?

first up:  the caged beast leather hobo handbag.  this thing is what nightmares are made of, i’m sure.

it originally sold for $250. WHAT? note that the bag not only has interchangeable inserts, but that they are all in an ambiguous “animal print”, sort of furry fabric! hence the name caged beast, i presume. cleva! i am still amazed that when i perused the hsn website around this time last year, there was an alarming note proclaiming that only three bags remained.  i have yet to see one of these bags in person — i pray that i never do. (& i do NOT believe for one second that the woman doing this video believes anything she’s saying. dig the clowning that begins at about 1:47.)

next: from the ‘heritage’ section of misstina.com, a bit of background (my notes in italics):

The visionary behind the Miss Tina Collection blessed with her mother’s talent and creative ability, Tina Knowles rose to fame as the gifted designer and world renowned stylist for her daughters, Beyoncé and Solange Knowles and Kelly Rowland and the Grammy award winning group, Destiny’s Child.  (oh, so she’s the one to blame for the piss-poor clothes in such fabrics as bright orange camoflage & “what is that, velvet?” worn by destiny’s child? don’t act like y’all don’t remember that shit from the soul train awards!)  This accomplished interior designer, celebrated author and talented chef, serves as the creative force for the collection. (what the fuck has cooking got to do w/ this? and she’s a celebrated author? for realzies? i can’t.)

Tina’s unique vision; a combination of high style, attention detail sprinkled with a taste of couture, enables her to create a distinctive blend fo signature and luxe for the Miss Tina Collection. (the comma splices and extreme misuse of a semicolon have made reading this so much more absurd for me. ugh. let me guess: miss tina herself wrote the shit, & nobody dared correct her on mechanics.)

further, the names miss tina gives to her creations are not indicative of any level of fashion knowledge. sorry to say. there’s no way she couldn’t have finessed “Quilted Entice Handbag with Pyramid Studs” into something else?  the same goes for the “Miss Tina Tall Boot with Studs“, “Miss Tina Logo-Print Studded Tapestry Peep-Toe Boots“, and “Cotton Shirt with Cuff“, which implies that the creole (don’t act like she doesn’t mention that shit at random) creative juices just were not flowing after a certain point. 

the fabric, y’all. the fucking fabric! the charmeuse, the not-even-modal jersey, the stretch denim (some of that shit is more than 3 percent lycra, which is nonsensical), & the crazy looking materials employed to make shoes all make me wonder what in the tangerine fuck is even going on here. i had the misfortune of coming across a miss tina dress in a local store. it was a mess. the cut was terrible (it even looked wack on the hanger), the fabric felt like the cheapest of cheap polyesters, & i think that for some reason the arms were inordinately huge. it was a hot pink tragedy w/ ruching (miss tina loves her some ruching!).  i felt bad for whomever paid full price for the damn thing a year ago. cuz it was most certainly hanging on the super duper last ditch effort clearance rack for $12. 

miss tina gives makeovers.

in conclusion, i’ll just say this: if you don’t understand what my big gripe is with tina knowles’ proliferation of bamma style, then simply do a google image search for ‘miss tina fashions’ & see what you come up with. i promise, you won’t be disappointed.  or, maybe you will? depends on what you’re expecting.

Advertisements

12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. fredara
    Nov 05, 2009 @ 04:13:54

    i’m just waiting for her bridal line…whoop!

    Reply

  2. Furacão Neguinha
    Nov 05, 2009 @ 05:24:43

    I am now relegating Tina Knowles into the category of “suspicious woman-like creatures” along with Wendy Williams.

    Reply

  3. Kevin
    Nov 05, 2009 @ 07:46:29

    “Miss Tina Logo-Print Studded Tapestry Peep-Toe Boots.“

    Bwahahahah!

    “We’re looking here at the Anniversary Studded Soire Handbag. Ooh, I like that name. Soire.”

    *Dead*

    Reply

  4. omi
    Nov 05, 2009 @ 13:29:16

    bwaahahaaaahaa….you KNOW we’ve had a convo or two around this madness.

    i’ma go on and watch that makeover video before i run to lunch. i think the laughter will improve my appetite.

    Reply

  5. FunkyLB
    Nov 05, 2009 @ 13:31:06

    This blog entry is made of win! I can’t stop laughing. Now Miss Tina may, in fact, NOT know, as RHOA Sheree & Lisa Wu might say, ‘FashionS’ (plural & caps on purpose), I’d still let her cougar me. There, I’ve said it. She’s foxy! And did I mention she has creole roots? Never mind, she’ll keep reminding us of that bit of genealogy. LOL! House of Dereon Forever!

    Reply

  6. AJ
    Nov 08, 2009 @ 17:22:22

    Wow. I’ve been blinded by the hideousness. Who in their right mind would buy a bag called the “caged beast”? Does Tina Knowles come inside the change pocket? If not, the beast is still unleashed.

    Reply

  7. Throat Chop U
    Nov 09, 2009 @ 04:19:02

    Hahahahaha!!

    Reply

  8. Mamita Mala
    Nov 11, 2009 @ 23:55:20

    I blame you for introducing me to the madness that is Ms. Tina.

    Reply

  9. Fiqah
    Nov 13, 2009 @ 14:16:08

    Eeeeeeevil woman.

    Reply

  10. bint alshamsa
    Nov 13, 2009 @ 22:11:20

    I’ve hated this prat ever since the first time I heard her going on and on about her Creole background. Does she really not understand that outside of the south, that shit means absolutely nothing? Nobody cares about her bougie-assed background. Since she LOVES talking about the French part of her heritage, I’m pretty sure she should be able to figure out what I mean when I say she is the epitome of Nouveau riche and still gets no respect among the old monied families.

    Reply

  11. Mahelia
    Nov 14, 2009 @ 05:35:12

    I stopped watching at 0:28 lmfao
    I hate you for posting this lol
    I’m done. There’s so much more I want to say but.. nevermind..

    Okay, one more thing.. LMFAO @ the MT logo hahahaha

    Reply

  12. clast
    Jun 29, 2010 @ 22:34:16

    the fact that you can remove the actual bag part of that thing lets me know that tina knowles may be the originator of supahead’s whole style. that shit YODELS “jumpoff battalion leader”. you don’t even have to really unpack or pack a bag for ho-time. sunday when you get home from church, you just pack all 4 of your inserts for the week. change and go ho.

    Reply

Say Something.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: