leave the men out of it.

i was reading the healing black womanhood blog (which has some dope stuff, y’all should check it out) and something kinda bothered me.

the blog owner writes about black men in two out of the (as of this date) seven posts on the blog, and though i think understand her efforts as to not only heal black women but the community as a whole, i take something of an issue with this. not because black men don’t matter. it’s the posts themselves. if we’re healing black womanhood, wouldn’t honoring black manhood and discussing why we love black men come towards the end of the steps towards healing?

i cringed while perusing the blog. i am all for healing. i genuinely believe that healing work has to be done in the lives of a lot of women (not black women exclusively). but what some of us have come through and have yet to work through, though it may be or is tied directly to dealings with men, needs to first be discussed in depth and candidly before we jump on the celebration bandwagon. yes, positivity is necessary — but before we give thanks don’t we sometimes have to look at all the fucked up stuff that has gone/ is going on? where’s that part? where’s the part where we say “i don’t like when brothas do this” to ourselves so that we are perfectly clear about what we do not want and are more capable of seeking/ naming what we DO want?

it’s about process for me, not so much content.

i understand that negativity can kill and destroy us. but there’s a difference between expressing genuine facts about the experiences some of us have had so that we can fully release those things to our pasts, so that we aren’t carrying that crap around inside of us. so that we aren’t apologizing needlessly for others.

why is it that so many sistas who want to help us womenfolk in virtually the same breath express adoration of black men like it’s a fucking disclaimer?



it’s a lot more complex than that, and no disclaimer makes it any easier to swallow: we have all hurt each other and are hurting now
there is no magical salve to lay on all of us at once, cuz we all need different things to different degrees

and most importantly
if we ladies are continually trying to rebuild ourselves, how healthy can it possibly be to stop every few minutes and speak on the men, who should be fixing their own shit?

maybe i look too deeply into these things, but analysis has to be the name of the game when you’re talking about fixing broken folks.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ms. bliss honeycomb
    Sep 14, 2008 @ 11:39:00

    yeah…i kinda took issue with that as well (i haven’t fully read all of her posts), but since it’s relatively new, i wanted to see where she was going to go with it all…

    i think that part of it depends on where we are in our healing, too. e.g., right now, i can see myself saying “i love women and i want you to heal, too”–but how that plays out in my personal life is a different story; i won’t be waiting around for any emotionally crippled negroes, even though i may fully understand their plight. lol.

    i think the irony is that, when women fully devote themselves to their own healing, men can fall by the wayside automatically–particularly when those men are broken themselves and/or are used to broken women as a norm.

    whether or not to count that fortunate is another blog altogether. *grin*


  2. The Diva
    Sep 14, 2008 @ 17:20:00

    i think part of the problem is that, as women, we’ve been conditioned to believe that as we heal ourselves, we have to heal the broken men in our lives as well, that they can’t heal without us, that it’s part of our womanly responsibilities to bolster them as necessary, sometimes to our own detriment. that we can’t fully heal unless we’re helping them heal, not realizing that we’re giving ourselves the shaft when it comes to devoting the necessary time it takes to mend wounds.

    loving a man (or anyone, for that matter) has to be secondary. you wouldn’t help someone lift their groceries if you just got surgery and risked popping the stitches. so why do we prolong our own agony for the sake of lifting up someone who can’t lift himself?

    quandary of quandaries.


  3. sparkle
    Sep 14, 2008 @ 18:07:00

    @ the diva: BASICALLY. i mean, yes. exactly. popping stitches needs to be avoided, so whyyyyyyy are we figuratively doing so? you hit the nail on the head.

    @ bliss: yupper. it’s not a detriment, in my book . . .


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