a lesson from the mind of my genius friend oyin:

she calls it the m&m conversation. it’s what happens when you don’t let go of old shit. i’m totally paraphrasing, but when/ if she posts up a specific example in her own words i’ll be sure to post & share it here.

the beginning:

you have a particularly wounding conversation with your mom. she says some terrible things to you that pretty much make you feel like the lowest being on earth, like you aren’t important to anyone, not even god. you remember everything about the conversation. you remember the look on her face, and you remember most of all what that day looked like. you were 10, so you weren’t @ eye level with her. it was april, 1988 and that day was unseasonably warm. you were in the parlor and wishing like hell that picture of your dead great-aunt wasn’t so spooky looking. you had on your favorite pair of la gears. your mom had on a yellow dress.

the middle:

you never say to your mom that what she said hurt you. you never tell anyone that she wounded you with her words/ actions. you carry that shit with you for years & years. you develop stomach problems. you become crippled when you end up in a confrontational situation.

the end:

one day, years later, you’re hugged up w/ your boocakes on your sofa and he is fucking up a bag of peanut m& ms. you say to him, “boocakes, may i have some of your m&ms please?” your boocakes, being the kind of generous soul he is, shares the peanut m&ms with you. you look into your palm, and you see that most of the candies are yellow.

you throw the candy to the floor & begin to spaz the fuck out: “motherfucker, what the FUCK is wrong witchu?!?!?? yellow m&ms? i ask you for candy and you give me some terrible ass yellow m&ms? I HATE YELLOW M&MS AND I HATE YOU, TOO! rat bastard!” and so on and so forth.
because you never released that old hurt about the day your mom made you feel terrible, whether you told her later about that shit or not. whether you talked to a therapist or trusted friend or not, your lack of release put you in a position where the most random thing triggered you.

the moral of the story: let that shit out. before you end up doing something preposterous with the leftover negativity.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. creatrix
    Aug 20, 2008 @ 09:20:00

    lawdamercy…

    i put my poor h.s. boyfriend through ALL of that. *sigh*. but i’m grateful/thankful that those exchanges are what allowed me to speak my truth, get help, and heal.

    Reply

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