dear white people who live in my neighborhood:

in my two years in this area of philadelphia, i’ve experienced y’all in various settings: the ethio restaurants, an array of porch gatherings, on the trolley, and the local plexiglass chinese food spot.
the chinese food spot is kind of a holy grail of around-the-way-ness. it is probably the last thing east of 52nd street (what is now the border according to the university city district ppl, o’donnell realty, and everyone else who wants to buy up houses) to really imply what this particular portion of west philly used to be: the teetotal motherfucking all-the-way hood. trees, three-story victorians, and random hippies be damned. ten to fifteen years ago, if your zip code ended in 43 or 42, pretty much all of your neighbors were black (and you probably were too). and your dining options kind of revolved around places that were take-out only, or were so grimy that you made your to go. like this place. it’s just a stone’s throw from my apartment, and though i used to frown continually at it, i made my peace with lucky’s. why? because garden court isn’t really where i’m tryna go at 1:30 in the morning. it’s too far for the post-club, post-weed, post-booze munchies. so, i’ve become a bit of a repeat customer at the joint.
and you have, too, white folks. i see y’all: someone brought a table and chair in, presumably so more of y’all can sit inside and chatter while you wait or so y’all can ‘dine-in.’ & there are menu items like sesame tofu, general tso’s tofu, and veggie egg rolls (all of which were brand spanking new when i first started hanging out around here 4 years ago) that i’m most certain that the former usual patrons of this establishment would have never requested. great! sometimes i want my tofu fried in the same exact grease as the chicken wings, fish, fries, chicken-on-a-stick and hamburgers too. it gives it that extra panache that regular deep frying just doesn’t. i’m thankful for the varying ways in which i can indulge my bourgeoisie leanings even when i’m fresh off some drinks or a late night out, or just want sour patch watermelon candy.
but let me tell y’all somethin white folks:
lucky’s will always be the most hood of hood spots, for as long as it’s open. so will that hell pit on willows next to the brew pub, and that piece of shit that sells tokens illegally on catherine street. know why? because if they need plexiglass to stay in business, that means there’s a certain caliber of food you’re not eating. there’s no quality. it’s on some fast food shit, only they make everything to order. fine dining establishments are not giving you cheese fries or canned pineapple in takeout containers. they just aren’t.
my point?
you look like a dickhead standing on baltimore avenue eating your $3 meal with chopsticks. stop that shit. i know it may feel authentic to you, but you just look like an authentic simpleton.
you aren’t slick, ordering grape dutches and swedish fish to go with your sesame tofu. wtf do you think that blunt flavoring is made out of? and the gelatinous properties of your candy? the same pork that’s in the grease they fried your bean curd in!
and another thing: leave your fucking teacup yorkie outside. i don’t want dog hair with my deep fried death. that’d just put it over the top.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Karas
    May 18, 2008 @ 05:21:00

    lol!

    Reply

  2. sweetness
    May 18, 2008 @ 22:10:00

    *snicker*

    i think everyone living in a gentrified city (& what city AIN’T gentrifyin’ like a mug these days…) can attest to this one way or another…

    Reply

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