old flames: a colored girl retrospective.

i’m not gonna go in order, or even name (government) names. i was reading omi’s post of a similar ilk & i was struck by how easily i’ve been imprinted by the relationships i’ve had. i suppose that’s because i was open, to begin with. there was never a moment when i regretted any of it. . . but i have definitely found myself questioning whether i’d ever find myself undone by the same conditions, if i would be stubborn enough to ignore lessons and major indicators that the shit just might not be a good idea. after all that, i’m glad i can say no. i’ve learned a lot in those relationships and in between them. enough to know that i don’t care to be bothered with the bullshit, enough to know that reciprocity isn’t a dream . . . enough to know that i’m never gonna be that woman again.

so, bit by bit i’m gonna be writing my memories. i don’t know if i’ll be able to find songs to adequately describe the walking disaster that was the rapper, or the overwhelming love i felt when dealing with the runner. i just know that the sooner i put it all out, the better equipped i am to take the hand of the next one and lead him into my apartment . . . to sit on my sofa . . . and watch the 2nd season of america’s best dance crew while we eat coconut rice and compare tattoos.

confession saturday:

– i ate like a half lb of cheese the other day btwn some cabot extra sharp vermont white for brunch and 2 slices of sexy pizza. i loved every second of it. casein is addictive.

– in my mind, i fathom the reaction at my job to my resignation next year.

– i love listening to ‘weird’ music at work. it pisses TKON off.

– i’m opposed to observing my food allergies most of the time, but i hate feeling sick more than anything else so i usually stay on top of my shit.

– i sometimes hate how gregarious i am, especially when ppl i almost never talk to ask me for help.

– i freak out on the regular when my sister calls me, because she always sounds so distressed. i fear that one day she’s gonna tell me something really bad.

– i still wish i lived with my family sometimes. living alone, no matter how small or large the apartment can be lonely from time to time.

– i used to try to get fired from my day job so i could collect unemployment and go back to school. now i’m waiting for layoffs so i can volunteer.

– i want my mom to live forever.

– i’m glad my father doesn’t try to talk to us anymore. i’m the only one who’d ever let him really hear what he needs to, and i don’t think it’s anything that should ever actually come out of my mouth.

– as much of a snob as i am, i’m the first one to call someone a snooty bitch.

– i get uptight when black owned businesses shut down and white owned ones replace them.

– moving to west philly is the only thing that kept me from running away to new york

– i’m scared to death to be in a serious relationship right now.

– conversely, all i want is someone to be cuddled up with

– i’m trying to fight back against the depression that consumed me for 3 years. it feels nearly impossible some days.

– having ppl hang onto my every word is a power trip as much as it is nerve wracking.

– i still don’t understand why i’m supposed to be afraid of god.

i just spit my tea out

laughing at this foolywang mess right here. lol! if you know anything about me, you know there’s nothing more hilarious to me than wilford brimley’s diabetes supply commercials. & don’t forget the obligatory beyonce post.

this just made my night.

if you identify as pro-life

(link not for the squeamish at ALL)

if you call yourself against abortions
whatever you wanna call it
make sure you’re as mad about this mess as you are terminations of pregnancies.

and make sure you protest all the people who you think are involved or make it possible
be extra sure to show them pictures of what they’ve done wrong, too. okay? okay. thanks.

(link via darkdaughta)

what irks me the most about western religion

(christianity in particular)

is the idea that we (humans) do not deserve god’s favor. that we should be breaking our necks to ‘do the right thing’ and hope extra hard that it’s enough. i hate the idea that i could be doing everything i’ve been told to, and i could still manage to end up in hell just on the strength that i never deserved god’s favor in the first place. i never felt like that made sense, even as a little girl repeating gospel lyrics or sharing dogma with my classmates in christian school. deep down inside, i never ever ever believed that hell was real. i never understood — if we never deserved god’s favor in the first place, then why would god create humankind so we could scramble around trying to earn said undeserved favor? it made no sense to me, especially when there are constantly examples (fictionalized) of people who everyone thinks of as holy or as ‘good folk’ who end up in hell. i mean, when i was a kid we used to have a play every year at church called heaven or hell, where at the end we found out who got to see god’s face and who didn’t. at least once there was an upset, like someone who was the perfect portrait of holiness . . . but (as we’d be reminded at the time of her demise) played lottery with her tithe money. or something like that. something exaggerated and fucked up. leave it to the evangelicals to frighten you into salvation, right?

so i ignored that side of faith. the ‘please don’t smite me for the minor infractons, PLEASE’ side of it. it felt unnatural, like i wasn’t ever gonna win for all my attempts at holiness & righteousness. (i sense that this realization is that point at which most people become agnostics and/ or atheists, which i totally understand) and i knew i felt a presence (physically felt it) generated by the gathering of the faithful. i could not deny that feeling, that energy, that thread that seemed to tie me to complete strangers in that sanctuary. simply put, it was an overwhelming feeling of love. it’s the same feeling i get at a concert where everyone’s hype to see the performer(s) and the artist gives every bit of that energy back. it’s something that is very hard to explain, yet it’s unmistakable when you experience it. i always recognized that feeling as what people called the holy spirit, which in christianity is the energy/ force/ asé of the almighty.

so, if god can fill a room with her/ his presence, and can be witnessed by/ summoned by humans, how could we not deserve the favor of the very being which becomes most tangible/ palpable by our very doing? i never understood that. how could we not deserve love?

i suppose, though, that if you never really believed that god is love (all the time. that doesn’t change. the verse does not say “god is love on every third tuesday”) then you might see fit to proclaim yourself unworthy.

i never did. i never will. the very idea of it, to me, is preposterous. i don’t say this to suggest that ifá doesn’t encourage its practitioners to work at righteousness or maintaining good character. but, nowhere in any odu does it say anything to suggest that we’re just here to scramble and hope really hard that we make it to heaven. it’s where you go when you die. that’s it. when you take your last breath, your body remains here until decomposition and the part of you that came from orun goes back.

i actually don’t know how i ever could have fathomed anything else.

number 31 is my favorite.

tell me this isn’t pure freaking genius.

man, you playin.

you go from flirting with me, openly, in front of everyone with eyes
to saying cutesy shit on the phone & telling me how bad you want some face time
then you express a desire to get another ‘good hug’ from me
& after all that
you write me off via a weakly played round of phone tag
. . .

& never call me back when i let you know that there exists a rain date?

this annoyance has been simmering. the disappointment, not even the what-ifs, has kept this shit going for me
not because i thought we were meant to be
but because i hoped i’d at least get to know you
you didn’t even give me a chance.

don’t let me catch your black ass in the street, dude
actually, let me
so i can remind myself how little i needed to be bothered with in the first place.

: : : : : :

just because i’m not present, it doesn’t mean i don’t care.
sorry you feel that way. it’s simply not true.

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