doin laundry on a saturday night.

is this what my life has become? i don’t have any kind of fabulous whatever to do w/ myself, so i kick it in the laundromat until they close?? i used to be miss out thursday-through-saturday, sleep it off sunday, happy hour tuesday & wednesday. wtf happened to me, y’all? *sigh* whatever. i’ll figure it all out. in the meantime, i stole a meme from sanderson who stole it from none other than peanut.

Where did you begin 2007?
hanging out w/ la familia lamb.

What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
coming off my mommy’s 48th birthday

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
no

Did you have any encounters with the police?
yeah. trace & i called the cops on some dude who was slappin his woman around at 13th & carpenter.

Where did you go on vacation?
in my mind. that’s changing soon, though

What did you purchase that was over $500?
nothing

Did you know anybody who got married?
do i? hmmm. no.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
yes

Did you move anywhere?
no

What sporting events did you attend?
none. i missed relays this year. womp.

Describe your birthday:
mine.

What’s something you thought you would not do but did in 2007?
see patti labelle have straight up CHURCH on national televis

What has been your favorite moment(s)?
my first official dgf customer, meeting lily, hanging out w/ emerson, watching femi kuti live at the shrine, realizing the glory that is shayne, hearing owusu & hannibal’s “a million babies” for the first time ever, karas’ dinner party . . . i’m sure there’s more that i can’t recall.

Any new additions to your family?
yes! my cousin cynthia gave birth in late november to a little girl named selenia carolina.

What was your best month?
i have no idea.

Who has been your best drinking buddy?
i have a lot of those.

Overall, how would you rate this year?
it gets a 100 for danceability.

Change your hairstyle?
a bit, but not as much as i think i’m about to

Do you have a New Year’s resolution?
to continue on this path. that’s not a resolution so much as it is a given. but my new years tend to be birthday related.

Do anything embarrassing?
um, yesterday i walked out of the laundromat without actually turning on a washer.

Buy anything new from eBay?
yes! books. yay!

Get married or divorced?
lmao no.

Get arrested?
no.

Be honest – did you watch American Idol?
when they got rid of melinda, i stopped writing myself notes to watch.

Did you get sick this year?
a lil bit

Been snowboarding?

Are you happy to see 2007 go?
i’m always happy to live through another calendar year. i won’t miss 2007.

Been naughty or nice?
nicety. like michel’le.

ummm

this whole process is, indeed, addictive. permanent adornment is kinda fantastic.
yeah.

not sure how to say it

so i suppose it’d be best for me to just let it out:

struggle is relative. pain is relative. you can’t ever discredit someone else’s sentiments based on your world view. it’s inaccurate, it’s unfair, & essentially the same thing as telling them that they don’t matter. you never know what’s brought another person (or a group of ppl) to a certain point, nor can you ever fully know what’s gonna happen as they press forward.

“just cuz i’m doin’ better now/ don’t mean i never lost shit” — black thought, “clock with no hands”

i’ll probably come back to this post later. but i’ve touched on this before, this hungry, hateful way in which humans destroy (or attempt to) one another. it’s almost like we get so wrapped up in our pain/ drama/ bullshit that other folks’ tiniest advances are like an affront to us. at least, it seems that way. maybe i’m being more sensitive than i usually am, but it’s true. *shrug*


dear andre 3000:

i know you said you were tired of rapping.
but, you have lain to waste every single song you’ve appeared on between the release of idlewild in 2006 & all your guest spots & class of 3000, vol. 1 album. do you think that maybe, just maybe i could get to see you on tour sometime up close & personal before i die? you don’t have to do any big outkast tour. it could be you just showing up at a big boi / purple ribbon show. somethin. maybe the next time i catch an esthero show, you’ll pop up. or something like that. i’m not asking for a whole lot, man. i swear. i just need to witness your gloriousness in person. i won’t try to snatch you off the stage. i won’t try to get backstage and get pregnant by you. i really won’t. i just need you on stage while i’m screaming/ singing my head off. really. it won’t hurt. i promise it won’t. please.

please?

thanks.

mixed feelings about the path i’m on.

(originally titled: “i’m not about to play mammy to anyone”)

the other day, i got my membership packet from DONA international in the mail. i thumbed through the two newsletters & introductory info packet. i just sighed & thought, “i paid XX dollars to join an organization that won’t recommend you unless you get w/ their program, & these fuckers don’t even give me a membership card? blah.”
then i looked at the newsletters more closely. i saw maybe one photo of a black woman & baby. i sighed, swallowed hard & heard that lovely little voice inside my head going all crazy: “wtf? you know there are black doulas, & there are black women who utilize the services of doulas . . . this shit’s gotta change. get your training ASAP. read those books, find out if jackie from family birth mark is gonna be doing any classes in late spring to early summer. read some books. get comcast to come install cable, so you can research your ass off. & get ready to deal w/ those white folks, especially those who don’t think of you as ‘really’ black; & don’t forget the skeptical black folks who think you’re on some new age erykah badu earth mother bullshit . . .”

i’ve since calmed down. i thought about some things, had some talks (thx karas & mommy & trace), & came to the conclusion that i must simply place one foot before the other. i will be certified as a birth & postpartum doula. i will seek clients who are under or unrepresented within the realm of home birth & anything labeled “alternative” child birth. i will pick the brains of everyone who works across the hall from me so we can get the data that confirms my suspicions about why doulas didn’t work in the public health centers (um, hello gov’t mistrust & mistrust of white folks). i’m flipping through doula blogs to view the profession from women who’re not writing newsletters, but chronicling their lives & work. i’m gonna explore the connections that i can make w/ black midwives & doulas between philadelphia, nyc & the dc area. i will not allow myself to use my clients as platforms for my agenda, but i will not hesitate to remind myself why i am doing what i do. i will commit myself to providing the best possible service, & remember that it’s about what the client wants/ needs. (that’s gonna be hard cuz i’m one bossy motherfucker. maybe i ought to become a midwife instead? lol)

i’m gonna be dealing w/ the privileged. i know that. whether i connect with clients on a deeply personal level or not (i don’t know how i wouldn’t when i’m intending to be present at the birth of their child, for crying out loud), i have to remember i’m there to do a job. i can’t present everyone with my ideas on how to really have a birthing revolution. i should also refrain from anticipating that when i have a black client, i’ll automatically have some magical “yay i’m glad you’re black; let’s have a revolution” sort of thing going on. it would be cute if that could happen, but i’m not about to presume that it will.

i’m just trying to be as realistic w/ myself as possible. it won’t be all drama, of course. i want to lend strength, bolster confidence, & create comforts for my clients. i want to use my knowledge of aromatherapy & such to help them. i want to become a licensed massage therapist & combine all of my skills & training to assist my clients in having the most blissful pregnancies & births possible. & i mean that.

there’s so much i want to do. i’m praying that i can get it all done without compromising my integrity.

feeling like my fulfillment is on hold

like i have to shake my ass a lil harder for those tips
smile bigger when they ask how i’m doing, so massa & them don’t know i’m planning to leave
i’m growing impatient &
full of myself, certain that i’ll strike when the iron is hot
my hands itch to pull at that other shoe, instead of letting it drop on its own
trying to slow this mess down just enough to savor the last days

i’m more aware now than ever of how this is gonna go down,
where my support comes from
what i need to leave alone
& ultimately, i’m fully able to see where i ought to be
what steps to take, where to plant my feet.

i just have to breathe & take care of this stuff first.
the babies will come
the money will come
the new home will come.

i just have to make it so.

there’s a lot going on.

i’ll write when i really have time.

i won’t for a while.

my inner child needs a hug.

& an apology
& that new pair of punky brewster sneakers
someone who’ll listen the first time she says someone’s house is on fire across the street
& someone to explain why she has to be nice to or give two shits about daddy & his folk
someone to tell mommy to stop putting relaxers in her hair, no matter how much “easier” it is to style
& a friend who won’t steal her cabbage patch dolls
a real talk about boys, sex, sexuality, & why her uncles keep nudie mags
to know that difference between mommy’s cigarettes & that funny smelling stuff ricky & his friends smoke in the living room
to get to know all of the bisabuelos before they die or have strokes
to learn to jump double dutch
to learn to play chess, cuz checkers is for suckas
& to know how beautiful she is
to know it’s more than, better than okay to be black
to be unashamed of her roundness
to understand that saying no is a tool, & she should do it often

she needs more quality time with momzie
violin lessons
more dance classes
no more wave nouveau
better access to health care
more smart black girlfriends
more books
more space
a savings account
more time to play w/ the records in the basement
a trip to every cultural event and street fair philadelphia ever had to offer
to see her own reflection and smile
to know that she’s loved, a child of god no less than the stars
& most importantly
that she’s gonna grow up to be just fine.

revelation:

i am happiest when crafting with abandon. when i can just do whatever i want with whichever medium, i feel most peaceful. i feel alive.

reason #275 why i’m leaving that job.

o sonho :: moon dreams

i’ve been having incredibly vivid dreams. last night, i dreamt that my baby sister got picked up by customs when she went ashore during a family cruise to the caribbean. granted, i can almost guarantee that my mother, sisters & i will never go on a cruise together if at all — but that’s what the dream was. baby sis was distraught, upset that they roped her into whatever group of accused ppl based pretty much on color. black grad students. that’s what she is right now. smart, black, woman, unafraid, proud. people always wanna take that from you — that fearlessness. they always wanna snatch it & cloak themselves in it. the sense i got from the dream was that these black officers of the law on whichever island we’d visited were cross at the level of privilege held by my baby sis & these other folks. to me, she’s not terribly privileged; she makes her lil money, she works in the library in my old neighborhood full time while doing her counseling psych classes all at once. she is black, working hard, but also subject to various oppressions. however, that wasn’t enough for these power-abusing uniformed men to leave her be.
i don’t remember the rest of the dream, really. i ran to try to help her much to the protest of my mother. but i’m a springing-into-action kinda broad. i suppose that if the dream finished the way i wanted it to, i would have been able to convince them to let her go & the loved ones of the other students would have been present to achieve the same goal. i don’t know. i guess i’d best tell her not to go on any long trips without family? i’m still sorting it all out.

the night before last, i had a dream that upset me because of who was in it. i felt panic wash over me as soon as i realized what i was looking at, where i was, what i was doing. & i couldn’t get away quite fast enough. he & i conversed. i don’t remember what was said. i know it was really brief, bullshit small-talk. i woke up feeling incredibly panicked; when i dream about this person or anything that has to do with him, he shows up. every time since the very beginning of our knowing one another. & i consciously resist that; it’s like my ori is calling him to me. as a matter of fact, i’m almost so shook that i don’t even want to press the ‘publish post’ button when i’m done writing this particular entry, just on the strength that i don’t want to talk to him ever again in my life. yet & still, i’m gonna do it. i need to be fearless as much as possible. if i talk to him, so be it. i feel that perhaps these dreams come unexpectedly when he’s thought about or discussed me, & i really do hope that he’s troubled in his sleep too. on the flip side, if someone mentions him to me i usually forget all about his ass until/ unless a dream comes. i’m still not sure if it’s my ori or the ancestors working on me/ us. i just know i’m okay, insulated as much as i can be from that whole mess. working on my shit, making sure i don’t bring myself into a situation like that ever again.

maybe one day, the dreams won’t bother me.