i can’t call it.

she was like, “maybe there’s something he would like to say to you, since it seems you’ve got nothing to say to him.”

maybe. i mean, okay, i don’t think about or see you for months. then you pop up. like, through zero invitation/ effort of mine, i see you out in the street. i don’t waste my time speaking, because i don’t want to. i don’t wanna shoot you an email like “aaaaayooooooooo! i saw you. can we maybe try again to talk . . . this time w/ zero attitude or posturing?”
i might be she of the fucked up ‘tude for this, but i believe that once i give you a chance to converse w/ me & you turn it down you don’t deserve another chance. not unless i want to be bothered. when this happens, i don’t effin want to. & even months after that, i don’t wanna. i feel like it’s pointless & that it will rectify absolutely nothing for me. again, why consider you? that may be hella childish, but it’s my protection mechanism. it’s all i’ve got when i feel like someone’s kicked me in the shins one time too many. & at this point i don’t know if i wanna be a grownup about it. of course, it’s okay to say i do. & conversely, it’s fine to say that i don’t. but come the fuck on, dude; in the back of my mind the scenario plays out w/ you feeling like you’re the HNIC because i got at you first. i have issues that way; if we’re talking, we’re talking. it shouldn’t be about upper hands or one party standing in a position to control the other. i always felt like that was a big thing w/ you. maybe i was always wrong? this is what needs to be discussed. the mixed signals, the misunderstandings. let’s deconstruct these myths once & for all.
because i’ll be damned if i carry all this shit with me, on my shoulders, for the rest of my life.

this is a call to prayer, a call to action, a request for presence. i want to know that if i walk past you in the street, there’s no funky energy between us. hell, i wanna wish you peace & mean it. so let’s do that.

ashé.

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