i want to apologize to you

if you’re a woman whose sexual experiences have been tainted by pornography. if your partner has ever tried to skeet on your toes, give you a pearl necklace, cockslap you or send you into the adjacent room to go fuck his boy(s), i’m sorry. i’ve been watching quite a bit of porn lately, & i can honestly say that these motherfuckers are trippin hard. not the producers or actors so much as the dudes who watch the shit and then decide they wanna be wesley pipes or byron long. like . . . you’re not. so, menfolk:

don’t come to bed w/ any clothes on, unless your partner requests it. short of a colostomy bag or house arrest anklet, you shouldn’t have shit on when you come & get it.

if you’re gonna be mr. shit talker, make it original. don’t ask whose pussy it is. because it’s hers. she is the goddess, plain and gotdamn simple. it might benefit you to say something in a language your partner doesn’t speak. she might like that.

if she doesn’t request it beforehand PLEASE don’t slap, choke, or yank the shit out of your partner’s hair. you could be digging her back out one moment & losing blood the next. watch that shit.

remember that the shit talking doesn’t make up for a lack of stroke, lengthy refractory period, or other wackness.

no, really. take the sunglasses off, too. you look like carl lewis w/ them shits on, & it’s not impressive. nor are the asics. stop that shit, fam.

deep throating is not mandatory. for some women it’s physically impossible. remember that, lest you fuck around and get puked on.

if you only have sex once a month & your partner anticipates each move you make, you not only need to stop watching the same 3 episodes of wesley pipes on alldatazz.com but you need to get away from the porn altogether. you’re boring & are encouraging her to leave you alone.

miami bass isn’t always mood music. neither is really shitty locally produced r & b or hip-hop. sade. luther. esthero. anita baker. minnie riperton. hell, bjork’s post is my shit. just not anything that mentions sittin on daytons. unless, again, she requests it. or y’all happen into screwing while listening to trap muzik.

it’s all fun & games til someone gets splooge in their eye. YOU ARE NOT JAKE STEED. stop that foolishness. if she doesn’t spit or swallow, get a cum rag like you do when you’re all alone. there are products that you can use to that effect. if it’s okay with her, nut where ever you need to. but aiming for the face isn’t always a good idea.

& finally . . .

it’s not sexy to “surprise” a woman with anal.

thank you folks, & good night.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Karas
    Jun 15, 2007 @ 20:37:00

    hilarious and sadly, pretty valid.


  2. PretaMulatta
    Jun 18, 2007 @ 13:37:00

    after a 2 week period battling depression and madness, THIS made me laugh out loud.

    lord, i needed it.



  3. snake woman, she who hears
    Jun 18, 2007 @ 18:59:00

    yes yes YES!!!!!

    you are so wonderful for putting this out there. LOL.


  4. secret squirrel jenkins
    Jun 18, 2007 @ 23:38:00

    atlanta — de nada. i was cracking up as i wrote it, lol


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