i feel like writing again today.


after a really good, short wknd in new york i’ve had time to reflect on some things. thankfully, it’s all come out (relatively) coherently.

redemption means the act, process, or an instance of redeeming. to redeem, by definition, is to release from blame or debt, to change for the better, to free from the consequences of sin, to repair or restore (those are just a few of the numerous definitions). in general terms, to redeem is to right a wrong, to restore balance & order. i used to struggle almost incessantly w/ the concept of redeeming myself. i was nearly obsessed with changing folks’ perceptions of me, or at least making myself very clear about certain things. the last thing i wanted was to be misunderstood, or have folks decide for me who i was. it was a constant thing w/ me. always, always, always trying to slay every dragon & lay misconceptions to rest. if i didn’t leave a big tip at a restaurant, i was freaking out because i didn’t want my server to think i was a rude or cheap person. it was getting out of hand.

of course, as i’ve lived more life i’ve come to realize something. regardless of my intention, ppl will think what they want to. they will take offense or think i’m noble regardless of what ithink of what i’m doing. simple enough, right? i can only ever be myself & do me. if that changes how someone thinks/ feels about me or anything else, so be it. also, my motto is “it’s not that serious.” think what you wanna, we both have shit to do & lives to lead. it’s not that serious. ever. i can’t stop dead in my tracks because someone doesn’t like me. i can try to hash out differences w/ folks & sometimes you gotta agree to disagree. but that’s okay. i don’t have to redeem myself because someone thinks the sky is green when i say it’s blue. i’m not gonna put all that energy into making someone understand me when it’s clear they aren’t able to or just don’t wanna. that doesn’t cause me to care any less about maintaining my own standards. but, i suppose that since human beings are social there’ll always be part of me desires connection w/ others . . . & an extension of that would be the reflection of my values by others, or a validation by others. it ultimately doesn’t matter as much as being at peace w/ my life, i do know that much.

i think that maybe redemption was so important to me because the feelings i’d get from being misunderstood were so greatly & deeply troubling for me. maybe i’ve watched the last scene of the color purple one time too damn many & thought i’d have a touching moment in the sunset, playing hand games w/ my long lost redemption as justice, fairness, honesty, righteousness, & peace watched us from the porch of a big old farm house. i never got it, though. i’d battle w/ ppl, raise the most miniscule points, & badger them w/ what i thought they should believe about me. it was wasteful of my time & energy. i spent so much time trying to correct folk, i missed some crucial things.

i’m better now. over it, for the most part.

& i guess that’s because i know my peace of mind comes from the part of god that is in me. all the balance is in me, just mine to create outwardly. my peace of mind cannot be tied to another human being.

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the girl on the f train

talkin about britney spears.

oh, my GOD. bill!!!! wtf?

i ate chicken today. i haven’t been missing sht & i cannot WAIT to eat the mixed veggies & couscous i have waiting for me at home.

hash is no shit to play wiith.

i haven’t been writing, & probably won’t for a hot second. ah, well. effit.

i had to take a lil break

because my laptop caught the flu.

i’m back, now. i’ll be writing later.

gratitude #3

reconnecting

heat that’s still on in april

apprenticeships

cotton candy nail polish

that new vitamin water

jill & emerson

water

adobo!

esthero

love

high phone calls to/ from _________

ghostface killah (fuck what you heard, any man who walks around in a bathrobe w/ an eagle cuff on is aight w/ me)

carmex

opi nail lacquer

sleep

baths

around the way corner stores

mushroom caps

tea

fleece sweats

hoodies!

clark park people’s flea market

ori mi

egungun mi

yeye mi (hekua hey! eepa o!)

kouzen azaka

“believe it now (f/ muhsinah)” by dj roddy rod

peach tea

benadryl

“che che cole,” antibalas afrobeat orchestra

brass bangles

the hand

new shit

good socks

electric blankets

breath.

as i give thanks for what i have at my disposal, let me not forget that every day i sit at the seat of bliss. i can have what i want, & i will always be taken care of. the universe always provides.

b, i’m prayin for us.

tonight & every night until it comes through. ashé.

hey, you over there:

being mad at pregnant 15 year olds for being pregnant 15 year olds won’t fix shit. treating them like their lives are over because they have babies at 15 — also not gonna fix shit. clearly, they weren’t aware that it’s not imperative to be screwin w/o a condom. apparently, a sufficient support system may assist these youngins in improving the quality of their lives — baby or no baby. the same applies to many married & unmarried women who begin bearing children early in life. you are not ruined for having had sex, nor are you ruined for having been pregnant, having an abortion, or having a child. you are ruined if you allow yourself to be. fuck that.

someone just reminded me of something. i knew a man once who declared that any woman who was under the age of 30, unmarried & a mother was ‘used goods.’ i think that’s terrible. my mother was legally separated from my father & had given birth to 3 children. plenty women meet those qualifications for whatever reason(s), & to me that doesn’t make them any less human or any less decent. by virtue of biology, plenty women are parenting on their own. let’s look at it like this: you have a womb & you bear the child. fathering a child, biologically anyway, is pretty much taken care of once implantation takes place. not to sound crass, but you motherfuckers get of way easy. being there is optional for y’all. it’s a fact. it’s a lot easier to walk away when your body isn’t changing like that on a daily basis.

i’ll be back to finish this later, reorganize my thoughts, etc. let’s rap about it in the comments, shall we?

it’s really awkward

being in the precarious place where i am at the moment. i feel as if i’m a pendulum. swinging. all the time, back & forth. sometimes a hand grabs me, & i stop right where i am. other times, i’m moving so fast that i can’t even name what it is that’s happening. i don’t feel fully at rest, even when i’m vegetative on my couch. even when i’m stoned out of my mind, drifting off to sleep . . . i feel that there’s still that back & forth. & i don’t know how i was even set on this path. this repetitious bullshit to which the quality of my life has dwindled . . . i’m annoyed, to say the least. it’s not that i expected some magical shit to occur between ages 21 and 30 to make me into the perfect adult. i anticipated lots of hard work, humble moments, debt accrual, etc. i suppose that i underestimated the impact. the weight. sometimes it’s like the whole world is working against me while i try to get what the universe has in store for me. it’s a very odd feeling.

all i really want is to be myself fully. no apologies, no excuses, no shame. i want to make the money at no risk to my integrity, nor to my sanity. i know that there is abundance to be had. i’m trying to get to that point. i don’t mean just money. i don’t want trappings of a fabulous life. i want to thrive. i want to be comfortable financially. i want to love what i do for a living. at the moment i’m at an impasse. my passions are social justice & the arts. it’s not hard to come across people who’re into both, people who blend both. i want that to be my life, though. my career. i now know what i have to do in order to make it to that point. god, i’m gonna be in school for a long ass time. we’re looking at a minimum 6 years. dual undergrad degree (sociology/ spanish), at least 1 master’s (lincoln university MHS, stand up!) & maybe a 2nd master’s. i need to kick some non profit ass.

but first i gotta work on some recruiting initiatives @ the ‘good city job’ i have. the new division manager wants to utilize my skills, instead of ignoring the shit out of them. i’m geeked. i might actually like it enough to stay if i’m not doing a bunch of dumb mindless shit all day every day for the next 6 months or whatever.

fingers are crossed
eyes are looking upward
feet are ready to move.

i just want to keep at it. this whole being myself thing. it sounds easy enough, but when nearly everything you are/ stand for is the complete opposite of most of what surrounds you . . . it’s hard. i’m a socialist at heart. i’m an artsy fartsy activist type of broad. i don’t fuck with complacency or stagnation all like that. i am not gonna comply just because it’s suggested that i do.

that makes my life anomalous in little ways. but how i choose to express that makes all the difference. we all know folks who stifle themselves in the name of whatever. peace & quiet at home, a high-paying job that they loathe . . . it’s not worth it to me. i’m worth more. always.

i just wanna be honest enough, all the time, to embrace & live that notion.

my new online obsession

(aside from a seriously nasty e-shopping habit)

is black (or ‘urban’) celebrity gossip sites. the biting commentary is so entertaining to me. like, yeah i could be using the net as a tool to further my life (give it up one time for idealist.org), but no! i’m fuckin around on youtube & reading some of the absolute funniest (& meanest) tales of the tragically famous.

my picks:

crunk & disorderly

the fury

young black & fabulous

. . . that’s all you really need. i’ll probably have 549 new sites to love by this time next month. but i’m starting off small. lol.

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